Breadwinner challenge

There are times when, through economic constraints or other factors, some couples have had to send her out to work while he manages the home.

This can add pressures to a marriage. Here two Christians speak from their experiences about the challenges they faced and how they applied biblical wisdom to their situations.

Couple 1: her perspective

I remember listening to some marriage seminars and one of the points made was the value and significance of the husband being the main breadwinner in the family. At the time I didn’t really see how it would make much difference. As long as we were making ends meet, it shouldn’t matter who does what. I was soon to discover otherwise.

My husband’s company was taken over and the days he was spending in his box-of-an-office had been slowly killing his spirit. The all-consuming targets were not remotely realistic, so, with prayer and in faith, we agreed it was best for him to move on.

There was no job waiting for him to move to, and we were barely getting by when we were both fully employed. Now that we were down to one salary, this opened up opportunities for the Lord to show us more of his character and our identities in him.

In the garden

Full-time employment didn’t come for another 14 months. We had a garden where he spent a lot of his time ‘working the soil’, literally, to be doing something physically that was producing results — tangible results which he could see and acknowledge. He later managed to find some part-time positions here and there doing menial tasks for minimum wage. He was willing to do whatever he could to keep busy and help out.

Even though I was the main breadwinner at the time, I made a conscious decision that I did not want to become the nagging wife, ‘encouraging’ him to get a job. We had made this decision (to change jobs) together, and we had to protect that bond from the devil trying to turn it into a blame game, causing disunity. There were pressures from parents and others for him to find work, and for me to be encouraging him in this direction. Although there were ‘breaking points’ when I shared with him how this was affecting me, it was more an opportunity to share how I was feeling and thinking, rather than a ‘Why don’t you do more?’ session. I also had to realise that as a man of few words, there was a lot going on inside him which I wasn’t aware of until he shared later.

Saying thank you

I encouraged him in the little things — he was still my knight in shining armour, regardless of how he felt or what the world was telling him he was worth. It made a bigger impact than I was aware of at the time, that I told him, ‘You’ve done well!’ when he was tired at the end of a soul-destroying day, or ‘Thank you for all you did for us today’ when he’d done the gardening or shopping.

Laptop

One evening he’d returned home from a shift at the coffee shop making minimum wage. As he’d made so little that year, he had an unexpectedly large tax return. This meant we were able to purchase a laptop — something we’d wanted to invest in for a long time but didn’t seem possible any time soon. Reminding him that it was because of all his hard work, doing even the mundane things, that we were able to make this purchase, made a big difference.

Although he put in a lot of part-time hours, he made time with me a priority in our relationship. This was something that spoke deeply to me — I was more important to him than things. Initially, because he took up two different shift jobs, this meant our time together was very limited. However, once we discovered this, we consciously made the decision to make sure we’d set aside time together. There were also other opportunities throughout the day of which we took advantage. He’d meet me for lunch in town and we’d sit in the castle grounds together. These times became part of the routine but very much treasured — and now (ironically) something we miss!

New confidence

‘Seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness.’ Throughout this time, there was much refining going on in our hearts with our characters.

He learned that his job description was not as important as he once thought. It no longer became what defined who he was. His perspectives had changed on other job avenues and he ended up taking employment in a field that he had previously vowed to avoid at all costs!

When he did enter full-time employment, the boost this was to his confidence was very noticeable — something I hadn’t even been aware of as an issue before! It was no surprise then, looking back, that there had been many times where he’d felt incapable, under qualified, or not good enough. God — in his mercy — used this time to refine us, grow us closer to him, to each other and remind us of what’s important. When our hearts were ready, he was able to move us very quickly into the next step, which he had been preparing for us in the background all along!

What I learned:
* God is faithful and His timing is perfect!
* Pray for each other asking God to change your hearts — that’s his responsibility, not yours!
* Keep God and each other a priority.
* Always communicate.
* Encourage each other — especially in the small things.
* ‘Helpful suggestions’ are not always helpful!
* Walk through it together — unified.
* Stay connected to your support network. Christian brothers and sisters can help carry the burdens when they become too heavy.
* Don’t be too afraid or too proud to ask for help.
* Think outside the box — learn a new skill, volunteer your time, be involved.

Couple 2: his perspective

We moved to the area with our one-year-old daughter. My job wasn’t paying enough for us to live on and it wasn’t clear then what work I should be looking for. My wife is a teacher and was able to get a job fairly easily and so we decided she would be the one to go out to work while I looked after the home.

Pragmatic and advantageous

This was a pragmatic decision, but one that came with advantages. We all benefited from the acres of holiday that teachers have and I had the enormous privilege of spending a huge amount of time with our daughter. And, being a ‘handy’ sort of chap, I was able to make big inroads into the list of DIY jobs that we had drawn up!

It was not, however, a panacea for us. My wife would rather have been spending more time at home with the children, particularly after our son came along.

We continued like this for about five years but, when the chance came for me to go out to work and for her to be at home, we took it.

Earning headship?

Who the main breadwinner is has never been an issue for us. We have a joint bank account and all our earnings go in there and then we decide how to spend it — there has never been a sense for either of us of it being ‘my money so I will decide’.

Some may also equate the main breadwinner as somehow earning the right to make the final decision in every area. We have both always seen my God-given role as being the head of our household — regardless of whether I was in paid employment or working hard to look after the children and home (and it is hard work!). We don’t see headship and paid employment as synonymous. In fact, things have gone badly astray if we see headship as ‘calling the shots in the family because I provide the money’. This is a long way from the loving, costly, self-sacrificial role of leadership modelled by Jesus that I believe we husbands are to try to follow.

My wife not only agreed with this intellectually but also in practice. So when she was out at work, she didn’t then undermine me by trying to run the home in the evening as well. Rather, she supported me by graciously accepting my take on household management!

I am so grateful to God for my wife and our marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that if, as a couple, you don’t agree about headship roles then things will be tricky, irrespective of who the breadwinner is.

Pegs and holes

There were times when I did feel it would be better if I were out earning. Not only for my wife’s sake, but also because I felt like a round peg in a square hole — being one of a very few dads doing what mums usually do with their kids! Although we made our situation work, it didn’t really fit culturally or socially.

Working and supporting

Is it God’s intended plan that men work and women support? I would suggest that this depends on how the words ‘work’ and ‘support’ are defined. It’s easy to think that working and earning are synonymous. ‘Tilling the soil’ with children is no easy task and we may not see any ‘earnings’ from that this side of heaven! On the other hand, supporting could easily take on the form of the wife being employed in order to support her husband’s low or unpaid work in whatever field that might be.

The way you decide to do things may not be culturally or socially ‘normal’. However, Jesus was a ‘servant’ king, which, by definition, defied any sense of cultural logic!

What I learned:
* Make sure you agree on issues of headship before you marry!
* Then keep checking that your headship is modelled on Jesus and not some mafia boss.
* Understand your definitions of ‘working’ and ‘supporting’.
* Honour your wife in all you do.
* Find your self-worth in Christ, not through your role.
* Allow God to shape you, not society!

Coping when the traditional roles have to be reversed