Conversations that count

With the Passion for Life mission coming next year, many of us would like to witness for Christ but are not good at opening up conversations with our friends. Here Daphne Ross gives us some gentle pointers.

First, pray that God will both give you a heart to speak for him and enable you to make and take opportunities.

Be intentional — look for and try to make opportunities. Remember we are out to make friends and not win arguments! So show love, respect and courtesy (1 Peter 3.15-16). Ask questions.

How to find the opportunities? Expect them! And when they come, take them! If we are praying for them, God will provide them. Make them! This we do by working out ways beforehand.

Finding ways to speak

Think where the person is in life and what the issues might be for them. Here are some ideas and questions:

* People from overseas. Many expect the UK to be a Christian country. Our aim is to get to what true Christianity is. ‘How are you finding life in the UK?’ ‘What has surprised you?’

* Students. This is a great time to challenge and question. Apart from the huge questions of life, there are personal issues of lifestyle, debt, disappointment that courses do not have a meta-narrative, what we want out of life and how we are going to do it differently from our parents!

* Newly weds. This is an exciting time. The issue is how to protect a marriage. Questions like, ‘I’m so thrilled for you, how do you plan to keep the romance going?’, ‘How did you choose where to get married?’ If they chose to marry in church, it may reveal an interest in Christian things.

* New parents. All parents want the best for their children, but most have no idea what is best and how to achieve it. Often parents say, ‘I only want them to be happy’. A response to this is: ‘What do you think makes for a happy life?’ This is a great opportunity to invite them on a course to investigate.

* Middle-aged. This is a time when people evaluate their lives, marriages and careers. Questions such as, ‘What would you change if you could start all over again?’, ‘What would you like to do with the rest of your life?’, ‘What makes one want to get out of bed in the morning?’ Our aim here is to show that true meaning is only found in Christ.

* Those in crisis. This needs great sensitivity. Nevertheless, it is at times of crisis that people ask the big questions. Often at funerals, especially those that appear untimely, I have said, ‘Sad, isn’t it?’. It’s amazing how each time it has led to a conversation about Christ. It can be followed with, ‘It doesn’t seem fair, so young!’ If it is a case of redundancy or serious illness, then sometimes I have said, ‘You know I am a Christian, would you like me to pray for you?’ Then I follow it up with, ‘What would you like me to pray?’

* Colleagues at work. Clearly we are not employed to spend our time evangelising. But over the coffee machine and breaks there is a brief chance to chat. If work and known home/family issues don’t raise opportunities for the gospel, then there is always the news.

Recent news events

Raise issues in the news that can lead to gospel conversations.

* Sustained abuse leading to the death of a child. Questions might be: ‘What do you make of the baby P case?’ or ‘How can we explain such evil behaviour?’ The aim here is to lead to the problem of sin in all our hearts.

* The credit crunch. There are several approaches here: ‘Why are we all so greedy/unhappy/dissatisfied when we have so much?’ This would hopefully lead to a discussion about true wealth and happiness found in Christ. Another approach would lead to the uncertainty of life and that true security is only found in Christ. This would start with, ‘It’s amazing, we don’t really know who owns our banks. Who can you trust?’

Main principle

The main principle to grasp is to ask open-ended questions.

These are questions that begin with ‘how, why, what’ and can’t be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Open questions make friends, show love, find out where people are. Then you can find out what areas can be explored for the gospel.

I asked a toddler’s mum, ‘What did you do before you had children?’ ‘Nothing much’, she replied. ‘I didn’t go to university’. There was my opening! I replied, ‘The great thing for me was that university gave me a chance to think out the big issues of life. But everyone has insights. What is your take on the meaning and purpose of life?’

Another mum and I were chatting about choosing play schools. I simply asked her what her criteria were in choosing. This led to a conversation about what we want for our children in life. I was able to say the best is a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Other principles

Remove common misunderstandings. These are that church is empty except for a few old ladies, irrelevant, not for me. Religion is a private thing. It’s OK for you, but not OK for me. These misunderstandings get in the way of people being open to the gospel.

* Be affirming. We’re not out to win an argument or show how clever we are. Thank them for being honest.

* Be willing to be vulnerable. Say when you don’t know or have failed in an area or struggle with an issue.

* Be prepared to be surprised. God can use us to win any type of person in any place. I have spoken to people in art classes, teenagers on planes, a Chinese girl in church, a lady at a traffic crossing, a rabbi on a train, people in shops and people at parties.

* Get them to ask the questions you want. This is part of our conversation being ‘seasoned with salt’. When people ask me if I work I reply with, ‘Yes and no’. They are puzzled and ask me what I mean. ‘I’m not officially employed, but I help my husband.’

They are curious and ask what he does. If I were to say ‘Baptist minister’, that would both shut the conversation down and also raise wrong perceptions about me! So I say, ‘If I tell you what he does you won’t misunderstand, will you?’ Now they are intrigued and want to know. ‘My husband is a Baptist minister. Now, you promised you wouldn’t misunderstand! I expect you’re thinking I spend my days sitting on committees and having tea with old ladies.’ Usually they reply that they have no idea what I do. That is the opening I’ve been working towards. ‘Actually I spend most of my week talking with people who are either searching for faith or have just come to faith. . .’

* Be relaxed. We’re not converting anyone. We’re simply looking for people in whom God is at work drawing them to himself by his Spirit. So if the person feels uncomfortable as you’re talking, change the subject.

Afterwards

‘How could I have done better?’ is a very important question to ask ourselves. Sometimes we realise that there are issues that it was not good to raise, issues that lead us to comparing religions or denominations, issues of the ‘My God is better than your god’ type or issues that create unnecessary argument.

Alternatively, we realise that we need better answers to certain issues. In chatting with a lady rabbi on the train, I should have been clearer in asking if there was a Jew who fulfilled Isaiah 53, ‘the suffering servant’.

Where do I go from here? This is essential as we consider following on with our conversation. What issues are important, what are red herrings and what need more background work before people are ready to hear.

Sometimes other people can be brought into the circle. Ask yourself if there is someone else who would be ideal to get alongside the person.

Ask others to pray and for advice. I have a few valued friends from whom I regularly ask advice and I always try to read books that would help me develop the conversation (see below).

Tell others and enthuse them. When I have chatted to someone and people say to me, ‘How are you?’ I usually reply, ‘I’m so excited because....’ and then tell them the story. What I have found is that fellow believers love to hear these stories and are encouraged too.

Following on

Once there has been an initial conversation, it’s easier to continue. Simply open up the conversation again with, ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day....’. Then the conversation can be continued.

Learn from others, but, best of all, learn by doing. Pray, step out and trust Christ to give you great opportunities.

Ending the conversations

Often a simple question can end a person’s search and be the catalyst to bring them to faith. After a while, especially if they have been on a course, ask them, ‘How is your search for faith coming on?’, ‘Is there anything I can do to help you in your search?’, ‘What is stopping you from giving your life to Christ?’