A marriage back from the brink

As Christians we know, at least theoretically, that we are not exempt from the tragedies common to everyone. However, it comes as a shock when situations arise which make us feel hopeless.
My husband and I have been married now for 23 years and we have two teenage children. We enjoy a happy family life and our son and daughter are Christians working and witnessing for the Lord. It was not always so!
I was a child of the manse. My father was a part-time minister and later went full-time. After my 'A' levels, I went to teacher training college where I met my husband who was also a Christian. College days were fun with lots of independence. We were married at the end of our college course and we were excited about the prospect of setting up home together.

Stillborn baby

Marriage was certainly a time of adjustment. We think we know our partner really well and do not consider the possibility that we may encounter problems. We often feel too that we must not share our problems with anyone because, as Christians we can turn to God and he will sort it out.
We had been married three years when we lost our first baby. She was stillborn and severely handicapped. During this painful time, we felt God's love and we were drawn together as a couple. But, looking back, I think that I tried hard to suppress a lot of guilt. I felt somehow responsible for what had happened and a failure for not being able to produce a healthy child. Added to all this, the hospital had advised us not to see our baby and she was taken away. Many years later we found that she had been buried in a local cemetery but we had not been told about the funeral! God continued to show us his love though, and you can imagine our joy when, 18 months later, our son was born strong and healthy.

Prayers in the night

But we were devastated when, at five months, he fell seriously ill. The doctors suspected that he had meningitis and he was instantly admitted to our local hospital. In fact it was discovered not to be meningitis but a serious unidentified viral infection. The doctors were puzzled and we were told to prepare ourselves for the possibility that he might die. We could not believe that we might lose our second baby! What was God doing!
Our son was transferred to a larger hospital for a brain scan. Our church family prayed very much for us. After many tears and sleepless hours, my husband and I independently gave our son over to God and left him in his care. I shall never forget the moment when we were told that he had improved overnight and that there was no further need to keep him in hospital! The medical staff were bewildered and were not able to account for the sudden improvement in his condition. Three years later our family was made complete with the birth of a healthy daughter. What could possibly go wrong ?

Depression

After our daughter was born, I suffered from post-natal depression which made me feel inadequate, guilty and very alone. I did not understand what was happening to me. I suffered an enormous amount of guilt because I had a loving husband and two healthy children. I avoided going to church and cut myself off from people as much as possible.
My thoughts and feelings were totally irrational. I remember wanting to get up in the middle of the night and drive the car really fast. I could not bear to upset my parents so I pretended that all was well. My husband struggled to understand what was happening. Well meaning Christian friends told me to pray about it and when I found this impossible, I felt even more guilty. My self-esteem was non-existent and I felt a failure as a wife, mother and Christian!

Wrong marriage ?

The worst thing about it all was that I began to feel irritated with my situation and I started down the road of wondering if I should have married someone else. I felt I needed someone who could sort out this situation and make it all go away. My husband was often out in the evenings either at church meetings (he was a deacon) or at an evening job which he had taken to ease our financial situation. We found ourselves arguing or ignoring one another. I took to finding every way I could to hurt him, pointing out his inadequacies and failures. He then started to retaliate and when he could take no more, he would go off for a walk. I began to look for companionship from other people. I wanted someone who would appreciate me.
Eventually we started to consider the possibility that our marriage was coming to an end.

Not in front of the children

We tried to ensure that our children were not witnesses to our problems but this was not easy. Our son was four years old, and must have known that all was not well and heard us arguing at times. We loved our children very much and we did not want to shatter their security by living apart. Added to this we did not want to explain our situation to our parents. We both knew it would devastate them. They had supported us through all the difficulties and we did not want to give them more pain.
We decided we could not live with the guilt of separation and we decided, if only for the children, we would try to rebuild our marriage. After all we had come through so much together. But we did not know where to start.

New pastor

During this time, a new pastor had begun his ministry in our church and he suddenly arrived on our doorstep one day. I was horrified but felt unable to turn him away! That visit was the turning point for me. He had only seen me a couple of times but he had recognised that there were problems. He listened to me and I found it easy to share my whole situation with him.
He did not tell me to 'pray about it' but accepted me for who I was and assured me that God also accepted me and still loved me. It was such a relief to know that I did not have to feel guilty any more and that all the guilt I had accumulated over the years was covered by Jesus. Gradually I started to hand back to God all those things that had caused me pain.

Remaking a marriage

Over a period of many weeks, my husband and I began to talk honestly with each other and with our pastor. I still could not pray but I knew God was listening to our conversations. My husband learned to share those things that had caused him pain in his life and we began to understand more about each other. We spent more time together and with the children. My husband realised that some of my problem was caused by a medical condition and I began to receive help from the doctor. We went out together. We tried to woo one another again. We began to enjoy each other's company again.
We still had to go through the painful process of asking forgiveness of each other but we managed to do this and we re-committed our marriage to God. We were determined to become a family again. Together we found out where our baby daughter had been buried and we visited the cemetery with our pastor and finally handed her over to God's care and keeping.

God is faithful

As I look back over the years I realise more and more that we have to work at a marriage. We need to understand the importance of sharing not only with each other but with God and our Christian brothers and sisters. It is easy to 'feed' our discontent with unhelpful thoughts.
Now we have a solid relationship built on love and trust and God has continued to bless us both in many ways. We are looking forward to our Silver Wedding Anniversary! At times I felt it was too hard and I wanted to walk away from all the problems. But God is faithful and he helped us through.
Difficulties arise in every family. We know we must turn to God. He is always there.

A marriage back from the brink

A wife looks back over the years of her marriage which at one point almost broke down