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 PrintableVersion Addicted to porn?Redemption from a futile way of lifeHello, my name is ... and I am a Christian who has been redeemed from an addiction to pornography. Before I was a Christian I welcomed a sexual fantasy world into my heart aged about 13. It lasted until I was 18 when God met with me and turned me around. When I first tasted the waters of life, I repented of my sexual sin and had a new power in my life. I was assured that God would fix me, and that there was no darkness in my life to which he could not show himself superior. It was the death of Jesus in my place that provided this assurance. It was an awakening time in my spiritual life for which I am very grateful to God. As a young Christian I struggled, as many young men do, with living a pure life. At university a prayer triplet kept me accountable and was instrumental in the measure of victory I enjoyed. My final year at university, when my closer Christian friends had already left, opened up a window of vulnerability. One fateful bus trip, temptation followed the purchase of a magazine, sent me back into an addictive pattern of life that lasted ten years until about 2002. AddictionI never went back to the pre-occupation with sex of my BC days. I had weeks where my solid focus was on Christ, his kingdom and his service. God gave me many opportunities to serve him in the church, at work and in my family. I saw a few people become Christians, one of the great joys in my life. However, what emerged was a monthly — two-monthly cycle. I’d fall into temptation; be unable to resist; overcome, I’d get hold of some porn. I’d then swear off, full of self-hate, and promise God and myself never again. I’d destroy the material that I now hated. Things would go well for a few weeks, and my Christian life would stabilise more or less. Slowly the temptations would arise again, and eventually, like a pressure valve blowing, I’d go off to find some release. Over time, my tolerance for material increased, and I’d need more base material to get the kick I sought. My addiction was nourished and fed; I was mastered by it. Outwardly, it perhaps looked like any guy’s battle. I had accountability partners, and they consoled me in my struggles. However, I knew that things were getting worse, and I felt a sense of despair. Was I really just supposed to hobble on? My addiction was built on the following factors: denial that I really had a problem to which ‘No’ must the be the response, an unwillingness to radically break with the sources of my temptation, ignorance that there were people with my level of problem who God had changed, living in a sex saturated society which was a ready partner to my perversion, and fear of rejection. I had repeated problems with forming relationships with women. This caused much bewilderment and hurt to them, their families and my own. A worship problemWhere could a solution be found? Initially for me, God brought it through a 12-step group for sex addicts. I attended this and, while confusing from a theological perspective, it provided an example of people who had a real problem, as I did, who had left their addiction behind, and were learning to live without recourse to its false promise. This was an important foundation for me. God used it to teach me that I really had a problem and that I was never so much in danger as when I thought that I did not have a problem. This was never going to be an area about which I could say, ‘I got this sussed’. At the same time, the approach offered by the group was limited because it was not founded on the salvation and the worship of God that is offered only through Jesus: what he has achieved in history by his cross; and the reality of the eternal hope of a new heavens and a new earth. Ultimately the group was telling me I had a behaviour problem. Actually I had a worship problem. It was only when a friend told me about a course available on the internet, that I discovered this deeper truth and, with it, power to experience change in heart. Redemption appliedIt’s so beautiful that the heart, where I had welcomed defiling, deceitful and perverted images, was the place where the true Lord of glory, purity and perfection, who cannot lie, wanted to come, make his home, his throne and create a showcase for his mercy. Surely, God is good. A free 60-day course entitled The Way of Purity can be found at http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home. The course offered me accountability, Christ-centred, Bible-based instruction, access to the testimony of people who have been set free from their addiction, unflinching opportunity to face what I’d done, people I’d hurt and begin to make a restoration out of a new life. Key to the whole thing was the reality that life is not about offering my heart to the idol of sexual fantasy, but offering my worship to Jesus Christ, who alone satisfies the thirst of the heart. I give glory to him as the one who has set my heart free to live a new life, with and for him. He has washed away my defilement, and continues to lead me bumbling and mumbling, and at times reluctantly, out of the pit of myself into honesty, relationship, accountability and service. He gave me the willingness to radically amputate all the sources of sin in my life: internet, terrestrial TV, magazines, videos, and DVD. I learned how to put strategies in place to deal with vulnerable times: e.g. travelling while on business, times when my wife is away, etc. I also came face to face with underlying issues like anger, insecurity, hate, envy, etc. Such things arise from the habitual bent of a rebellious heart. A tool that God has made fruitful for me and that I still use can be found at http://www.covenanteyes.com. This provides accountability software which helps by monitoring your internet connection, and sending the list of sites you’ve visited to accountability partners. It categorises the sites for ‘danger’ in terms of pornography. It costs £5.30 a month at the time of writing (November 19). It can be used in combination with an internet filter, if desired. New lifeSince 2002, God has granted me gifts of wife, family, opportunities to serve him in evangelism and my workplace. I have a weekly accountability call that keeps me honest, and helps me to remember that I now have a new life, that I have been washed and that I have a better love in my life. I am also accountable to my wife. I’m not recovering to a past that I lost. In Christ I have a new life that I never had, and I’m living in him now, and by his grace, living in increasing, if often painful and clumsy, freedom. One of the great things about The Way of Purity course is that it is incremental and gradual, and provides continual accountability. Leaving an addictive way of life takes time, and can only happen (like anything else) one day at a time. This is not a course for those who have battles with occasional lust. It’s for those who have given themselves over to a ‘secret’ habit that they cannot break by themselves, and for those who know that their life depends upon them being able to stop. For those, who feel themselves like I did, at that low ebb and thoroughly entangled, this course could be a God-send. The last mercy I feel bound to write of is that since I’ve emerged out of my own darkness, I’ve met others, even in my own church, who have similar stories to tell and who have also experienced the liberating power and love of Jesus for them. This has been a wonderful gift and provides opportunities for deeper understanding with other brothers, and onward travel opportunities out of darkness to light. God sets the lonely in families. The fellowship of those who’ve never fallen as I have and those who have, are both vital in ongoing example and encouragement. The glory goes to Jesus! Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me (Philippians 3.12). © Evangelicals Now - January 2009 |
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