Self-harm daughter

Oh the pain
Where does it come from?
Why won’t it go?
I don’t know

Such intense agony inside
Makes me want to die or hide
I just can’t bear it
It’s too much

The pain is deep, deep inside
No one can see it
But I can more than feel it
Deep, deep inside

Please leave me alone
When will it end?
Is there an end?
Oh the pain …

This was one of the despairing poems written by our daughter when she was in her early 20s.

For five or six years she had been suffering from various addictions, including anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, drug and laxative abuse and horror movies.

To support these addictions she would shoplift, which meant she was often arrested by the police. She would also obtain prescriptions, cannulas, surgical blades and bandages from wherever she could get them, in order to self-harm. The cutting and scalding of her arms, legs and abdomen was horrific and the blood-letting was particularly distressing as we feared for her life when she was at home alone. She has since told us that when she cut herself, or scalded herself with boiling water, the emotional pain inside was so great she couldn’t feel the cut or burn.

Traumatic situations

These addictions began in her teens and went on well into her 20s and, as the years went by, our family had to cope with more and more traumatic situations on a daily basis.

We had to call ambulances on many occasions and spent hours with her in A&E where she was patched up and sent home again. There was one period of six months when we called an ambulance every weekend. It became ‘normal’ life to us.

There were many times when we thought we had lost her, especially when her weight plummeted to well below five stone. On one occasion, severe overdosing on anti-depressants landed her on a life-support machine for two days. The worst time was when we found a suicide note on her bed. It read: ‘I never committed suicide because I thought it was selfish to you — to do that to you. But now I realise that it is selfish for me to stay alive, so thank you for the life I did enjoy. I love you both and am sorry it had to end like this. Love R x’

Last binge

We immediately phoned the police, her GP, her psychiatrist and anyone else who might know anything. Half an hour later she walked through the door having been out to buy food for a last binge before intending to slit her wrists, overdose and deliberately crash her car to make sure it happened this time. The note was in her room ready to be put into an envelope and addressed to us both. The deed was to take place later that day. We will be forever thankful to God that her mum took something into her room and found the note before it was too late.

For many years our daughter did not have a life. She tried several college courses but could never complete them due to ill health and an inability to make friends. She had no friends. She would sleep for days at a time and often be up at night because nights were fearful and accompanied by horrific nightmares. Her screaming would wake everyone in the house. She was constantly visiting her doctor and often spent time in hospital or the local psychiatric ward. Once she turned 18, we could no longer ask the medical professionals anything about her because it was all ‘confidential’. We were constantly frustrated by not being able to help her.

Why did it happen?

A commonly-asked question, when talking to friends and family, was: ‘What caused all this to happen to your daughter?’ We had struggled with this ourselves, especially as she had come to know the Lord as her Saviour when she was about 14, and her life now was so inconsistent with how a Christian should live.

We don’t think it is possible to attribute her addictions to any one cause. There are several factors that may have contributed to her problems. She was in and out of hospital in a plaster cast owing to a dislocated hip for much of her first three years. This may have left her feeling different from other children. She also experienced much bullying through her years at school, which left her with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Perhaps the most significant factor was that, at the age of 12, she was seriously sexually abused in our own home by a workman. This would explain her nightmares, and her attempts at constantly trying to cleanse herself by means of bulimia and other forms of self-harm. Mixed in with all this was a satanic oppression arising from a particular horror movie. So fearful was this that it led to a ritual self-harm and the use of drink and drugs to try to escape reality.

Throughout her teenage years and well into her 20s, she was raped on more than one occasion when out at nightclubs or when with ‘bad’ friends. There was a sense in which she wanted these things to happen to her, because she so hated herself and felt she needed to be punished. She had no feelings of self-worth and had also lost any sense of right and wrong.

Recovery?

During these long and difficult years, we found it impossible to find the right help for her. She received counselling and therapy from a number of staff within the local NHS mental health team and often spent time on various psychiatric wards and in crisis recovery units.

A significant time of recovery was when for several months a Christian organisation helped her, through Bible verses and prayer, to see afresh that God loved her and that in Christ she was ‘a new creation’. This helped to turn her mind-set round and she began to live free from most of her addictions. She started to go to church again and looked to God to help her when desires and temptations came. However, about two years later, she began to relapse into some of her former addictions. This happened at a time when she was not getting any help or ongoing support professionally, and she gradually stopped attending church. Life became so traumatic for her that she attempted suicide on at least two further occasions. Once again, as parents, we were frantically trying to find her some help before it was too late.

What can parents do?

We certainly don’t claim to have all the answers. There is no quick answer and every case is different. We know we made mistakes on many occasions. We can only speak from our experience and trust that something we share here might help others.

* It is vitally important for parents to talk together, to ensure that they have a united approach in dealing with their son or daughter’s addictions.

* There may be other children in the family who need support. We have two other children who couldn’t understand what was happening to their older sister.

* There will be times of acute frustration when whatever you advise or do seems to have little or no effect. Much patience, understanding and self-control is needed at those times.

* Addictions are symptomatic of an underlying problem(s) which needs to be identified and addressed. Our experience was that many times her wounds were ‘patched up’ and then she was sent home without the underlying problem being properly addressed.

* We found that, because our daughter’s case was so complex, we could not address all her addictions at the same time. We tried to deal with that which seemed to be the most pressing.

* We also found that setting small achievable goals provided a better incentive towards helping her recovery than something too far-reaching.

* Having found help, follow-up is vital. While some people may fully recover, many have to learn to cope on a daily basis over a long period of time, or even for life.

* Most important of all — we must pray. We must pray for the self-harmer that he/she will recognise his/her need for help. Until that happens it is very difficult to make any progress. Pray also that the Lord will open the way for appropriate help. Parents often feel at a complete loss as to what to do, and sheer frustration because it is so hard to find the right help. We must cast ourselves on the sovereign Lord to intervene, for he is able in his infinite wisdom and grace to bring something beautiful out of a seemingly impossible situation.

Postscript

Our daughter is now 31 and has recently successfully completed six months in a Christian rehabilitation centre. They have significantly helped her to address her spiritual, emotional and physical needs and to apply coping mechanisms. We are so thankful to God for opening up this opportunity and that she herself chose to go there. Our prayer is that she may continue to make progress and, in God’s goodness, prove a source of help to others from her own experience.

The authors are anonymous but you can contact them through EN.