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Chris Idle asks when banter becomes bullying

Anyone heard a sermon recently on justice and mercy? Featuring the senior lady sitting for her portrait? ‘I expect you to do me justice’, she says to the artist. ‘What you need, madam, is not justice but mercy!’ Ho, ho; pompous old bat gets come-uppance from smart bloke.

There is another way of telling it. Here the portrait-painter says, ‘Madam, I’ll try to do you justice’. She answers, ‘What I need, young man, is not justice but mercy!’ Spot the difference; realistic grandma corrects obsequious male — with style.

Preachers: Are your stories gracious and kind, or do they emit a slightly sexist whiff? Whether in set pieces or casual conversation, some danger-signals indicate when teasing becomes tiresome.

1. One-way traffic

Some speakers seem to have a need to put the other side down — women, Catholics, Baptists, children… Hasn’t anyone told him he is saying more about himself than about anyone else? ‘He’? Yes, usually. One pastor quotes his own teenagers, always to their disadvantage; clothes, hair, music, work-rate. Cringe, cringe; more boring, even, than trumpeting their triumphs.

2. Stronger to weaker

Men should speak highly of women. At Easter, Luke says that the women did not find the body of their buried Lord. So, ‘If men can’t find something, they usually haven’t looked hard enough. If women can’t find it, it’s because it’s not there!’ A valid piece of evidence couched in terms that Luke would have liked. But if a woman had said this, it would be a touch too smug.

3. Going on and on

A spontaneous aside may be excusable — or balanced by some later comment. But repeated? Such patronising attitudes badly need the mindset of Christ. Can we imagine him uttering ‘put-downs’ at the expense of Mary and Martha? The Saviour is very straight with both sisters, as with everyone he meets. But never insulting, condescending or tedious.

4. An audience of strangers

If the speaker doesn’t know the hearers he cannot be aware of current bereavements, divorces, illnesses, or other disappointments that make the joke rather less than hilarious. ‘John Milton got married and wrote Paradise Lost’, said someone at a party recitation; ‘his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained’. The laughter was somewhat muted, particularly from the man recently widowed — me. Not recommended in any company, unless you are launching an attack on marriage.

5. On the formal side

The more formal the setting, the more risky the humour at your neighbour’s expense. It’s that much harder to put right, and you will be quoted unflatteringly. One headmaster concluded his school’s millennium celebration with a misfiring joke that wasn’t all that funny even when it was new. It was so inappropriate that it’s what we now remember most.

6. A hint that ‘many a true word…’

We sense the half-disguised sub-text that there’s a grain of truth in the quip. If we have ticked the first five, number six probably applies anyway. Or more blatantly; an evangelical leader criticised those who wanted more women on the committee he chaired. More, that is, than one. ‘We don’t want them because they’re women’, he opined; ‘We want the best people.’ Who could possibly argue? But men can miss the best by staying superglued to their masculine blinkers; feminine insights are not always strongly represented among males. What has this to do with banter? He is the sort who entertains his brethren with tales of dumb blondes, sickly spinsters, women drivers or nagging mothers-in-law. ‘Must keep a sense of humour, mustn’t we?’

Remember the man in Proverbs 26 who throws firebrands and says, ‘I was only joking’? Or those letters urging men to respect women (1 Peter 3) and make our speech beyond reproach (Colossians 4)? The ‘salt’ is not for rubbing into wounds! Or that peerless role-model who likens derogatory words to murder (Matthew 5)? Labelling anyone as an idiot, even slightly silly, is to chip away at how that person appears to us and others; it slices off their very life.

Final test question

How soon did the phrases ‘thin-skinned’ or ‘politically correct’ come to mind? Yes, I own up. Insensitivity is worldly. It was correct to abolish ‘No coloureds’ signs in boarding-house windows; to halt racist abuse at football grounds; to avoid words like ‘nigger’, ‘darkie’ and worse. And incorrect to assume that ’men’, ‘brothers’ or ‘girls’ included mature women and sisters. Language may change, but white males have no prerogative to make rules for their petty power-games. Only hurting people can tell us where it hurts. Luke 16.8b, I’m ashamed to say, often applies; so let’s drop institutional sexism, this thin end of a nasty wedge. And resist the charge of being merely ‘PC’ when asking for some basic Christian courtesies.

Christopher Idle

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<< June 2008 >>