Does adoption mean happily ever after?

Adoption is often thought of in rather fairly-tale like terms.

A lost and unwanted child finds a home in a loving family and everyone lives happily ever after. The reality can be very different.

As a Christian I believe that adoption was not part of God’s original plan for humanity. Children were to be raised by the couple that gave them birth. In a fallen world, however, sometimes things go seriously wrong. Adoption can be the best option we have available. In the days when I taught Psychology I would sometimes ask my students, ‘What advice would you give to a 13-year-old who is pregnant?’ The Christian students mostly (and quite rightly in my view) would not consider abortion. But what then? Try to turn a 13-year-old into a mother? Ask her parents to adopt the child? Adoption outside the family may be the best option. The same may apply if the mother is mentally ill, has severe learning difficulties or a serious drug problem.

Children in need

But adoption has its problems. It means separating the child from the mother who has cared for it at least during the nine months of pregnancy and maybe longer. Such an emotional wrench is not easily healed. For this reason I would consider every adopted child to be what is now called ‘a child with special needs’. Added to this is the fact that adopted children are far more likely to suffer problems that are genetic, congenital or the product of abuse in early life. These can include autism, attention deficit, hyperactivity and a range of other mental health problems. These problems do not go away on the day the child moves to his or her new family.

Our attitude

So what should the church’s attitude to adoption be? Adoption can, and often does, provide a new life for children who have been abused and neglected. It may even be seen as an analogy of how God treats us. The child, however, arrives with the problems of the past. This has implications for the family and, if they are Christians, for the church as well.

The plea I hear most often from adoptive parents is for understanding. People who rush to judgment can be very wearing. ‘Why don’t you stop that child from talking all the time?’ (‘My child is actually terrified of losing me like she lost her last four mothers. It is her way of hanging on to me.’) ‘Why don’t you tell that child to stop screaming?’ (‘My child is autistic. He does not understand what is happening and he is very frightened. Scolding him is not going to help.’) ‘Why are you spending all that time and money on therapy?’ (‘Because the trauma of being starved, moved through multiple foster placements or raped is not cured by a kiss and a cuddle, as much I might like to think that it is.’) ‘Why are you always complaining about your child’s school or the education authority?’ (‘Because my child has serious problems that are not being recognised. I’m going to keep on arguing my case until he gets the help he needs. His life is at stake!’)

Acceptance and understanding

At this point the acceptance and understanding of a local church can be of immeasurable value. Just to have a place where they are accepted and loved, without simplistic judgments can be a wonderful and life-giving experience. Practical help, such as taking the children out in order to give the adoptive parents a break, can also be very much appreciated. It can give the parents a chance to be alone or together as a couple in what is otherwise a never-ending series of emotional and physical demands. (At least one adoptive mother has told me, ‘I know we are a family, but it feels more like running a children’s home. My husband and I never have time to talk about anything except the children.’)

How to help

Of course many adoptive parents do now receive an adoption allowance, but most still need practical and emotional support. (While for most families an adoption allowance is very welcome it is often far less than what they have sacrificed, even just in financial terms. It is also only a fraction of what adoptive parents save the taxpayer by taking children out of the care of the state.)

So how should churches respond to adoptive families?

Try to understand. We may never really comprehend what an abused child and his/her new family has or is experiencing, but most people do seem to appreciate it when we try.

Offer practical help if possible. Each family has their own individual needs so this has to be discussed with the family in each case. Even if there is nothing you can do, the offer will almost certainly be appreciated!

Always pray for them. Even if there is nothing ‘practical’ that you can do, prayer is always possible. In the end it is only God who can heal. It is God who will make the difference.

John Steley works as a psychologist with The Mission Practice and InterHealth Worldwide in London. He is a member of Central Baptist Church in Walthamstow and has a special interest in adoption.

Does adoption mean happily ever after?

John Steley considers how the church can give support

Children in need

Our attitude

Acceptance and understanding

How to help

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