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 PrintableVersion Mr & Mrs No-KidsAn insight into infertility‘I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about and you’ll probably be pregnant soon’ said our doctor, after we had been trying to conceive for 18 months. Six months later, and we were told it is highly unlikely we will ever have a child of our own. This is a problem facing more and more couples in industrialised countries (one in six are now ‘subfertile’) and appears to be due to environmental factors. Whatever the reasons, churches are finding increasing numbers of Christian couples are among those affected and there is a growing need for support. The following is an account of infertility from our own experience as Christians, and from what I have read of others struggling with this deeply emotional issue. It is hoped this will give an insight for congregations wishing to support affected couples. EmotionsFor many couples, the initial excitement of trying for a baby turns into suspicion that there might be a problem, then anxiety, as tests are carried out. Diagnosis can take months or even years, and both man and woman can feel terribly under pressure. Couples may be highly emotional but feel unable to share their feelings with others until they have a diagnosis. If the diagnosis is not hopeful, couples are likely to feel devastated and may be plunged into a dark time in their marriage. Many couples describe it as bereavement — a real grief for what you will not have. However, as with the issue of singleness, it is very hard to move on if it is not a cut and dried foregone conclusion — you and those around you live in hope that it may happen for you. This makes life bumpy, to say the least, but time can help to heal this deep sadness. Ethical dilemmasIf there is still a chance of conceiving (however small), couples will probably want to explore the various ways doctors can help. Again, this can take a long time and is an emotional rollercoaster. We personally faced an insensitive doctor who, when we told him we were Christians, smirked: ‘I won’t even mention sperm donation, then!’ I felt like hitting him! The recent BBC1 programme, ‘A Child Against All Odds’, showed couples going through several rounds of IVF. I felt great empathy with the women who so desperately wanted a child of their own, yet as Christians we felt very far from their experience. For us, the reproductive technologies that could help were ones we weren’t prepared to do. This is a complicated area (see Matters of Life and Death), and not all medical intervention is necessarily unethical; each couple has a different diagnosis and different treatment options. We have found a way forward with ‘NaproTechnology’ — natural techniques developed from a Catholic approach (see website below), but each couple has to decide where they draw the line in terms of not only ethics but also the amount of time and money they feel they should invest in pursuing conception. WitnessI recently came across a local support group for ‘subfertile’ couples, but was unsure whether to join, as discussing the issue with non-Christians often leads to a struggle between them urging us to have IVF, while we consider the ethical issues. There are opportunities to witness to doctors and friends, but many are offended that we believe IVF is wrong. I personally feel unable to tell another woman, ‘You shouldn’t do that’, when I have such empathy with her. We may retain our belief in the sanctity of life, yet we can understand why people choose IVF treatment. We must take great care to be loving when talking to people who are facing this issue. ChurchChurches are usually family-centred, as they should be. Indeed, church is ‘family’ for a Christian. It can be a place to channel our parental instincts, but it can also leave us feeling lonely when most other couples our age have several children. People often ask, ‘So when are you going to have a baby?’ or say, ‘Your turn soon’. It can be easier if people know there’s a problem, so they can pray for you, but then you risk having ‘that conversation’ with people every week and crying at every meeting, which is frankly exhausting! Human perspectivesAs a couple, we are extremely blessed to have each other when there are so many out there who would be more than happy just to find someone to settle down with. As an aspiring eco-warrior, I have often thought we should consider having only one child — but it would be nice to have just that one! Adoption can be a wonderful way to have a family, and there are many children out there in need of loving parents, but not all couples will feel called to this. As we grow up in an increasingly me-centred, consumeristic society, we assume we will be able to have pretty much what we want, when we want it. The difficulty is this: it’s not a computer, it’s not a pair of shoes, it’s a child — something that is natural and to be expected. Infertility is a painful wake-up call to the reality that ‘many are the plans in a man’s heart….’. I no longer say, ‘when we have kids’ but rather, ‘if we are ever blessed with a kid’. Biblical perspectivesOf course, the question is, ‘Why hasn’t God given us a child’? We can’t say, ‘we must trust God’ and mean, ‘trust him for a child’, if he has given us no specific promise, as he did for Abraham and Sarah. Ephesians 2.10 says: ‘For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared for us to do’. As a woman, I always assumed part of these good works would be motherhood. If we adopt, then it may still be. But it may be that we need to seek out other good works God has prepared for us. ‘Hope’ is one of those words people can use without thinking what they really mean. I tend to use it sparingly, believing that ‘hope is a dangerous thing’ (like Red in the film Shawshank Redemption) and it can certainly help psychologically to ‘give up hope’ of having children. As Christians, however, we have to remember that our greatest hope is in heaven and this life is not all there is. This is the biggest struggle we face. We have found Hugo and Sharon Anson’s book (see below) especially helpful in thinking things through biblically. A little sensitivity, please!If you want to help Christian brothers and sisters in their struggle with infertility, bear in mind the following: * If you have not been through profound grief of some kind, there simply may not be a lot you can say. Sometimes we won’t want to talk about it, but sometimes we just want you to listen, cry with us and pray for us. Recognise it as a deep grief if that is how we feel, and as such it will ebb and flow over many years. * Saying, ‘just relax’ or ‘you’re still young’ is infuriating when there is actually a specific medical problem. It simply may not happen. Rather, pray that couples will be given the strength to cope if they remain childless. * Although we can remind ourselves of our many blessings, some couples do not ever reach a state of complete peace about the issue, even if they adopt. This is far from ‘unspiritual’ but actually quite natural, as reproducing and parenting are part of creation and what God made us for. Please do not accuse couples of navel-gazing or becoming consumed with the issue. It is devastating, so please don’t induce guilt trips about not ‘trusting God’ enough. Some anger at God will be natural. * Some couples who are heavily involved in specific ministries may need some time out. Infertility can put great pressure on marriage. * You may get a frosty response if you say things like ‘children aren’t everything’ or ‘you can have spiritual children’. This may be true, but it doesn’t help us — especially coming from people with children of their own! * Churches can sometimes feel like marriage and baby factories. We should not make the assumption that all couples will have children, and get out of the habit of asking people loudly, ‘So when are we going to hear the patter of tiny feet?’ BooksMatters of Life and Death (John Wyatt, IVP, 1998) If you are experiencing infertility and are interested in an online support group for Christians, please contact ‘Susan’ via the Editor at EN. © Evangelicals Now - June 2007 |
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