Special calling

How do we move forward positively through the phases, coping with the difficulties?

We do it by being real people in a real world with a real relationship with our living God and others, not super spiritually with pious platitudes. All three areas of being a Christian, a parent, and a single are interrelated.

Christian commitment

Firstly, being a committed Christian: for the Lord’s sake.

All of the members of the church pass through suffering in different ways and at different times, not just single parents, and it is good for all those who suffer to look to Jesus, and consider others. Primarily, we need to ‘carry our own load’, i.e. the backpack size of our own problems, with the Lord. However, single parents’ loads are more like boulders, which need help to be carried by the church, family and friends.

‘Each soul knows its own suffering’, and only the Lord truly understands and can comfort our hearts. We need to tell the Lord our hurts, pain, bitterness, anger, anxieties and ask him, whose sovereign rule is right, that we can accept our situation until he changes it and completely forgive those who have caused it. I have struggled with still feeling the physical pain of heartache from the divorce, years later. I have wondered why the Lord, who hates divorce, has allowed it despite all the intercessory prayers, and what for? I have struggled to accept my seemingly unending suffering of carrying a daily load far too heavy, of living with an aching loneliness in exhaustion, and of unanswered prayer for a spouse, a father figure for the children and to be a ‘normal’ family again. I have struggled with the deep spiritual wound inflicted by a church and some Christians in my divorce and found it hard to ‘feel safe’ to settle in a church again. I have lived clinging to the only hope I have, often through toil, tears and near despair, the promises of God in his Word, that again ‘I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living’ (Psalm 27.13). ‘And afterward you will take me into glory’ (Psalm 73.24). Through all these struggles, we need to ‘learn contentment’ (Philippians 4) and ‘not grieve for the joy of the Lord is your strength’ (Nehemiah 8.10). When we do everything unto the Lord and find our complete joy in his presence (Psalm 16), we will be enabled to better cope with our situations and ‘rejoice’ in him (Philippians 4). We should not waste time and energy longing for ‘If only...’, i.e. if only things had been different, if only I had a spouse, if only my children were this or that. This is a daily struggle of godliness, and part of sanctification. I am still learning to practise these things too.

Taking care

Secondly, we ‘carry our own load’ best by taking good care of ourselves in all areas, i.e. spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and socially, developing a positive thankful attitude, ‘counting your blessings’, so that we can be strong, healthy and wholesome Christian parents to train and nurture our children. Know yourself: your strengths and weaknesses. Build on your strengths, and request help in areas of need. On bad days remember, ‘this too shall pass’. Your real Christ-like character and behaviour, through the daily routines of life, will witness more to your children than words alone. That includes your failures, saying sorry, and putting things right.

Despite what we can’t understand, we have to trust God and obey him one day at a time. When all is said and done, we must simply ‘stand firm’ and wait on him with hope. I now know with hindsight that the Lord has allowed me to suffer going through a divorce and being a single parent so that I could know him far better and be a witness to so many others, Christians and non-Christians, who are touched by the same issues. Praise the Lord for working ‘all things together for good to those who love him’ (Romans 8.28).

Committed to the kids

Thirdly, being a committed parent: for the children’s sake, the future church.

Although I have the functions of two parents: to protect, provide, discipline, love, care for and nurture my children, I try to remain in the role of a mother only. The Lord is my spiritual husband and the heavenly Father of my children. When I need the ‘back up’ of a higher human authority, we call my parents who are known as the ‘Court of Appeal’ to support my discipline or overrule me, if necessary.

As a parent, my primary calling is to train and nurture the children in the Lord. The children’s wellbeing is my priority, including their education. They need security, love with boundaries, and as normal a life as possible. Each child is unique, has differing needs from the others and needs individual attention. Yet the rules for the family, and the consequences, are the same for all. Our three basic rules have been: respect and obey mum, go to school and go to church on a Sunday morning. Children who have lost a parent may have emotional-behavioural problems, i.e. anger and anxiety, which exacerbate the normal difficulties of growing up. Over time with prayer this should heal, and the parent needs to consistently respond: firmly and fairly, as well as being friendly and remembering to have fun! If healing is not occurring, certain therapy may be required to assist this, i.e. sensory integration occupational therapy and/or counselling.

Have some sense

Fourthly, being a sensible single: for a season?

Self-sacrifice is the highest calling for it requires unconditional love. There is special grace available to those who request it from the Lord in situations of special calling, ‘My grace is sufficient for you’ It is a life of commitment and responsibility but with the greatest privilege and reward. There is a glory and splendour in being a Christian single parent unto the Lord. Although we do not seek suffering, we accept our situation if this is the Lord’s will in his loving wisdom for a higher purpose.

If you do remarry with children, you need someone who is: strong in the Lord and knows who they are; Christ- and not self-centred; personally mature, being able to be committed and share responsibilities; stable and loves the whole family unconditionally. That is going to take someone special but nothing is impossible with God. However, it is something that needs to be prayed for. It may be that one is single for the season of raising the children for the Lord, as that is best for them.

Ultimately, trust the Lord as he knows the desires of your heart. He will work things out for the good of yourself and the children. Wait patiently for the Lord developing godliness with contentment. Walk with him, take pleasure in him, and serve him as that is the highest goal of our Christian life. Trust that the Lord will bless you with a godly spouse if his will, in his way and time, as a temporary bonus for this life.

Church help?

How can the church family help carry the burdens?

As this is not an easy thing to do, it will take hearts with unconditional Christian love, maturity and wisdom. It may be best to form a team of people with a calling who can sensitively share the burdens of single families according to their needs. Each single parent family is unique with differing requirements, and at times may be demanding, so a team approach to sharing their loads is best. Areas to consider are:

1. Spiritually: Bible study on spiritual and practical issues, i.e. forgiveness, suffering, and parenting. Counselling for depression, if required.
2. Physically: Practical help for the home, childcare, especially during illness, etc.
3. Emotionally: Being real friends who will listen, and ‘be there’ for the parent and children with unconditional love. Praying through issues with the parent.
4. Mentally: Being supportive in the parent’s work, or retraining.
5. Financially: Giving wise and sound financial advice.
6. Socially: Babysitting so that the parent can go out socially to develop friendships and have some recreation, such as attending Christian single events.

If you want to know more about Christian single parenting or Christian singles groups, please contact Jacqui Wright through the EN Office.

Christian single parents, final part

Christian commitment

Taking care

Committed to the kids

Have some sense

Church help?

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