The Music Exchange

Imagine: it’s February, it’s cold, it’s four minutes to ten, we’re all tired, and, horror of horrors, the musician hasn’t turned up. Maybe he’s got the flu; maybe she’s jammed her finger in the food mixer; maybe he’s got the hump because they said he played too slow last week.

What to do? How about putting on a CD and everyone singing along to that? Cracking idea — congregational Karaoke! The great thing about CDs is that they can’t get ill, they’re not susceptible to kitchen blunders, and all you have to do to make them go faster is shove a few more volts through the system (though I reckon this should be just as effective on a piano player).

Lack of church musicians

Over the past ten years, the drop in number of church musicians (especially organists), coupled with the extortionate costs of organ maintenance, has led to a rise in demand for CDs and MP3s which will do the job of the musician for you. There are three basic packages that are available: CDs, MIDI files and electronic hymnals.

With CDs (the cheapest option) you’re quite limited for choice — if you have a wide repertoire of songs and styles, then the more CDs you’ll need to own, which will eventually turn out to be very pricey. This system will also create a lucrative market for spin-offs. There’ll be ‘Mothering Sunday Moments’, ‘Kristmas Krackers for Krazy Kidz’, ‘Seven Songs for Septuagesima’, ‘Little Donkey’s Best Christmas Carol Compilation in the World Ever, volume 8’, etc., etc.

CDs are also very inflexible. Cutting out a verse or two isn’t an option and (contrary to my earlier remark) the only way that upping the voltage will affect the speed will be how fast the machine flies through the window.

MIDI files are more flexible, but are more complicated. You need to use them with a MIDI player (an electronic piano keyboard, PC or a stand-alone MIDI file player) which will need serious amplification to accompany a congregation of over 20 people).

MIDI players are a lot more expensive than CD players, but there is the bonus of being able to select verses and change the pitch.

Electronic hymnals are MIDI files with bells and whistles on (and tambourines if you require). You can pre-programme all the songs to be played in a church meeting, the speeds, the number of verses, the pitch, etc., and all this can be activated by remote control. The drawback is that now we’re talking thousands of pounds, not just hundreds.

Not content with any of these, if you have an organ, but no one to play it, and you prefer the organ sound, there is now a kind of ‘virtual organist’ machine, which sits on top of your organ console and actually plays the notes. Yes really! This is starting to get ridiculous. I wonder if you can get a MIDI file which pumps the bellows too, or one which huffs and puffs during the last page of Widor’s Toccata?

So there are the options. Is it really worth dealing with grumpy, slow and over-sensitive musicians if all we need to do is press a button every week? Well, this is called the Music Exchange, so I’d love to hear how these things work if you’ve had any experience of them. There’s no theological reason to dismiss them out of hand, and the argument on the companies’ websites say that recorded music is better than no music. I agree with that. I also gather from the websites that these programmes have been very useful in prisons, hospitals and by military chaplains.

With hindsight

For regular congregational meetings, however, it’s not that these programmes aren’t good, but that they’re so obviously second best. It would be patronising of me to explain the advantages of having music accompanied by a human interface — they’re obvious too. Therefore, these electronic solutions should only be a last-possible-scraping-the-barrel resort. In which case, is it worth investing in them at all?

I think it’s a huge pity it’s come to this. It’s an issue that we should have seen coming years ago. We can’t turn the clock back, but we can start praying in earnest for musicians to be converted and to know the joy of serving others with their gifts. That sounds very glib and trite, but prayer works, so I’m utterly convinced that, if it’s God’s will to reverse this trend, he will do it.

While we’re at it, we’d better carry on praying for God to send us preachers and evangelists. Otherwise, for our autumn sermon series we may have to resort to buying a MIDI file which plays ‘The Top Ten Teachings from 2 Timothy 2’ (featuring virtual preacher with real arm and eyebrow actions, all adjustable by remote control.

Better than no music?

Lack of church musicians

With hindsight

Richard Simpkin

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