Raising manly boys and feminine girls?

Is it a boy or a girl? This is the first question that is asked on the birth of a new baby.

On the basis of gender, not merely the name but also the wallpaper and the clothing is selected. The parent is already in the brave new minefield of gender identity. Some distinctions, while cultural and arbitrary, are benign. It would be a very mean feminist who would send her son to school in a dress.

Other cultural distinctions are more unhelpful. There is no reason why a boy has to like football or a girl has to play with dolls, although very often play preferences do follow predictable lines. Such things are not the battleground.

There are absolute distinctions between male and female, in biology, neurology, physiology and psychology. Boys and girls are different by design. Despite widespread acceptance of certain of these absolute distinctions, there remains an institutionalised attitude which is against any acknowledgement of sexual differences. A Christian needs to identify the issues which currently attack the absolute distinctions.

The issue for boys:
the ‘cissification’ of culture

A unisex orthodoxy prevails in many of our institutions and in the media. We are supposed to believe that men and women are identical in attitudes and abilities. Scholars, writers and local government officials are no longer allowed to imply that heterosexuality is the norm. We have the ideal of the new man who displays feminine characteristics, nurturing, supportive. There is no place for the biblical idea of protector or provider — that would be interpreted as an insult to women and imply an incompleteness about her.

So what does a growing boy do in the face of the new man ideal, the ‘cissification’ of our culture? If he still likes football and competitive sports, war games and stories, and is uncomfortable with the ‘new man’ ideal, he may take refuge in a loutish subculture: Gary and Tony in the sitcom Men behaving badly were created as a joke, but they became heroes and role models for a generation growing up in the 1990s. They were characterised by beer-swilling vulgarity and a total disrespect for women.

But we need to point our sons to the Bible, where we see man as God created him. As one commentator put it, Adam was created to be a king to provide, a warrior to protect, a mentor to instruct and a friend to connect. His greater physical strength was designed for the protection of others, and to serve them, not for selfish ends. That true manliness is the ideal we must keep in mind when attempting to raise boys in the face of the feminisation of our culture. We need to teach our sons the biblical concept of honour: that they are to remain pure, and not take advantage of girls, keeping themselves for their wife if they get married and then remaining faithful to her.

The issue for girls:
the sexualisation of culture

Alongside the feminisation of our culture has been the sexualisation of our culture. There are no ‘no go’ areas for boys or girls. Girls, in particular, being taught they must avoid any kind of passivity, are encouraged to be brazen. To show modesty is scorned as an un-healthy hang-up. Christianity raised the status of women to where they had a right to the protection of men. Even 100 years ago a young woman travelling alone in Europe or North America was safer than she would be now. Her modest attire itself was her protection; she was to be treated as anyone would treat a sister or a mother. Now that radical feminism has made all things equal, girls must put aside their embarrassment, their silly romantic notions and must have it all. The ‘COSMO’ woman is the role model presented to young women.

Little girls are encouraged to dress as women, and children are being enticed into the world of adult sexuality. Parents will march to rid their streets of paedophiles but they will buy their little girls crop tops and allow them to watch children’s TV with its obsession with pop star teen bands and their overt sexual display. Modesty is a lost concept.

Actually, most women do not want to be in competition with men. Polls taken of teenage girls show that the great majority still aim eventually to be married and have children, but many may not dare articulate such old-fashioned ambitions. Motherhood is now officially relegated to merely taking time (as short as possible) out of the workplace, which is assumed to be a woman’s raison d’etre. All too many girls then take refuge in unhelpful stereotypes, such as the ‘babe’, obsessed with clothes and being thin.

But we point our daughters to the Bible to see that true womanhood involves character, not external beauty. ‘Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting, find a woman who fears the Lord’ (Proverbs 31.30). Biblical womanhood is not passive or helpless. A godly woman fulfils her helper design: not competing but completing. The Bible also shows a young woman that her body is special, her virginity to be prized, and not to be given away to the first person to demand it. Far from being repressive, modesty is a liberating concept.

How do children learn?

1 By language

Language forms the hooks on which we organise our thoughts. From infancy, children’s minds are being moulded by the words we use. So use words which raise awareness of sexual identity. In particular use words which will encourage an understanding of marriage. For example, ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ are words rarely heard in the media now.

2 By imitation

Babies copy. Nearly everything an infant learns is learnt by imitation. So be aware of the kind of man/woman you are. Your children will copy. Boys need to see their father providing, protecting, instructing and connecting. They need to see him taking a lead by taking responsibility for the well-being of the family. They need to see their father honouring and respecting their mother. They should not hear him making insensitive or sexist comments about women. Girls need to see their mother modest, nurturing, completing, helping. They need to see her affirming the leadership of her husband, and respecting him. In short, they need to see an Ephesians 5 marriage.

3 By affirmation/censure

Good behaviour and attitudes are reinforced by explicit articulation of approval. ‘Well done, you are just like a Daddy today.’ So laddish, loutish behaviour meets censure but evidence of true manliness meets approval. Praise needs always to outweigh correction.

4 By experience/experimentation

More than by being told, children learn by doing. How does anyone learn to do buttons? By simply trying, by practising. So children can practise leading, serving, helping. And they can try on roles through imaginative play or by identification with characters in stories or films.

Girls also need to experience the protection of their fathers and boys the nurturing of their mothers. The demise of modesty is accelerated when girls lack the proper protection of a father. Boys and girls need to experience the appropriate relationships with the opposite sex.

5 By interaction

Again, much valuable interaction with small children is in play. Children learn so much also by casual conversation when ideas are tried out, tossed about. See Deuteronomy 6.

6 By instruction

I put this last because too often we make the mistake of thinking children learn simply by being sat down and told. But it is obviously important and parents should not shy away from teaching their children. Family prayers are a crucial routine. The basis of instruction is the Word of God.

Strategies for raising awareness of sexual identity

These can be increased and made more explicit hand in hand with physical changes. At birth the physical difference between a boy and a girl is minimal. We can and should allow little children to be just children.

1 Clothing/appearance

The bottom line is that they should look different. But beware of making clothing or appearance too important. A healthy attitude to the body is engendered by a greater emphasis on what you do with it (e.g. sports and activities) than on what you look like.

2 Play

A wide choice of toys is good for both sexes. Dolls that look like babies or children are far preferable to the unhelpful Barbie stereotype.

Boys especially need games which include elements of risk-taking and competition. The recent bestseller The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn and Hal Iggulden is a welcome resource.

3 Stories

Choose stories carefully and discuss any unhelpful stereotypes you encounter. Anthony Trollope said that he wrote his stories to teach boys to be honest and girls that modesty is a charm well worth preserving.

4 Chores/routines

Children should be taught to share in the work of the household. Division of labour need not be stereotyped. But boys as they get older should be proud to use their increasing upper body strength to serve at home. Girls should be encouraged to develop the intuitive personal touch.

5 Bible doctrine

This is the foundational truth: why did God make you and all things? For his own glory. Unbelievers invent nonsensical myths about men being from Mars and women from Venus. But the Bible is beautiful in its clarity of explanation on gender difference, as it gives boys and girls every reason to be glad about their genders and positive about the place they take in the world.

Boys and girls are equal in dignity; they are also equal in fallenness. The book of Proverbs is explicit and completely up-to-date about the respective temptations which beset young men and women. We fail as parents if we are too squeamish to address these subjects. In all the postmodern and politically correct confusion, the Bible gives us the clear lead and the absolute authority.

This article first appeared in the 2004 Newsletter of CBMW (UK).