An adventure of the heart

When you enter into the world of ‘dating’ older Christian singles, who are there by age (over 30 years), or divorce, or widowhood, you enter into an adventure of the heart.

Often it is not an adventure you hoped for, not a world that you desired to visit, but a tough reality to face. It can be desolate heartbreak country where you hide your heart to be safe, but occasionally venture forth bravely, risking rejection, hurt and disappointment.

All in the hope of the heart to find a soul mate in order to move on to a new, different world. After all, although marriage is not the ultimate goal of life, it is a normal and God-intended state for us (Genesis 2.18).

Many older Christian singles are disillusioned with ‘dating’. They may bring a past with baggage from previous broken relationships. They bring their own unique male or female personalities with expectations and assumptions, and misunderstandings between the sexes. They may bring their pain from God’s providences asking, ‘Why me, Lord? Why am I still alone? Why did things go wrong? Why am I still at this point in my life?’

Here are some comments from Christian singles on dating:

Single Christian male:
I would still like to meet somebody. Age has me less confident about having children though. From a corporate church point of view, I think single Christian males are somewhere down the bottom of the hierarchy. Christian women equally dismiss us with endearing sentiments as ‘no decent Christian men’. Some Christian males can say the opposite is true. Secular company can be more prepared to accept you as you are. Some Christian women have ‘shopping list’ requirements, not appearing to offer anything in return. Christian males without support of friends are vulnerable to the attention of Christian women with their own agendas and the effect can be very harmful (I speak from experience). I have no faith in the church being supportive here except when they find you have met someone, in which case you are welcomed with open arms. Two years ago I was so disillusioned I virtually stopped believing God will ever provide a partner. Changing this view is taking a long time.

Single Christian female:
I have found Christian internet dating very frustrating. Initially, I was emailed by someone old enough to be my dad, and a couple of men who were distinctly odd. One person sounded hopeful, although tended to email mainly about himself. When we did eventually speak on the phone, he was difficult to talk to and asked my advice about another girl he was seeing! As for the men I emailed they said they were in contact with other women and did not want to contact me, or did not reply at all. So the whole experience has been very depressing. I didn’t get as far as meeting up with anyone. After a year, I let my membership lapse, but recently rejoined out of curiosity to see if there were some more suitable men around. So far no one has emailed me at all and I feel like giving up again. I think part of the problem is that it is easy to make snap judgements about people, which may not accurately reflect their character. I am not desperate and I appreciate the advantages of being single, but I do sometimes feel lonely and long for the companionship of a mate.

Single Christian male:
A lot of us blokes do tend to look at a photo (on the internet) and go for the absolute stunning girls. Probably we judge them by their looks too much when we meet them. I would like to say that experience has changed my views. I do try to get to know the person slowly and judge them for who they are rather than their looks. However, this can be a really hard thing to do if you really like the person. There is a danger you can rush things and end up getting hurt. It is important to try to build a friendship first. I think some women can be like us blokes and meet up with a person to assess them (like buying a car), then not contact us again (if they didn’t like the make/model), without wanting to even get to know the person. This has left me feeling frustrated, and wondering what I have said or done wrong on the date. It is a big knock to your confidence when you find this sort of thing hard anyway. It makes you feel as if you’re not good enough and that you need to have some amazing career or be some kind of Tom Cruise bloke. So I do feel a bit disillusioned with it all.

Single Christian male:
I’m sure the guys mean to be encouraging. I guess what a lady wants is to be that someone special, to feel that a guy has chosen her, and her only. That he has chosen her first, that only she will do. Isn’t that every girl’s dream? Does it only happen in fairy tales and in our relationship with Jesus? I’ve been determined to put Jesus first in everything and not allow myself to worry about finding a wife and having a family. And now a lady has come along, so God provided when I put him first. But I got to the point where I was ready to be single forever if that was his will, and really prepared to live for him as a single person.

Single Christian female:
I know that a lot of people are still looking to marry for the first time. I am very blessed to have been there already and have a number of children, although that does make it harder for me as a lot of men do not want to be a stepdad, or want their own children even in their 40s. Often for this reason, they are looking for a much younger woman, or following the myth of the ‘young beauty’. I did not have a problem with dating at university in my late teens before I met my ex-husband. It wasn’t easy then, but it is very difficult now, even though I am told I am attractive, lovely, etc. I think generally women are waiting for someone to come along and choose them. Many women are putting the Lord first and trusting him as they wait, but there are no guarantees that there will be someone. So their expectations for marriage may soar with any decent chap that shows the slightest interest, especially those who desire to have children and ‘time’ is running out. This puts the chap under immense pressure. Women have to learn to control their expectations and feelings. Men need to be clear that they are getting to know the lady as friend initially. Honest, sensitive, and mature communication as to what is happening is vital.

So, how then should we date? Some basic guidelines for a complex issue:

Personally get ready

1. Providences: Spend time with the Lord and develop your relationship with him. Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well (Matthew 6.33). Trust his sovereign will for you, and be satisfied in him.

2. Personality: Develop a healthy self-concept: know and like who you are in the image of God. Learn about the opposite sex in the way they communicate verbally, emotionally and behaviourally. Learn how to interact positively.

3. Past: Be independent of your past relationships, and deal with your baggage. You may need counselling or prayer support.

4. Protect yourself with boundaries: According to God’s wise counsel, determine to only consider other Christians as dating material, and not to have sexual relations with anyone before marriage. Decide realistically about things that are negotiable and non-negotiable, e.g. spiritual beliefs, physical attributes, children, etc.

Interpersonally get steady

1. Safely get to know a lot of Christians in a ‘low key’ friendly way. Meeting in Christian singles groups provides an accepting environment, and supportive friendships, i.e. the ladies, or men, can support each other in the dating process.

2. Slowly take your time to develop a number of casual Christian single friends of the opposite sex with no expectations or assumptions to begin with. It has to be strictly ‘just friends’ getting together for an enjoyable time. You have to guard your heart in the beginning. You have to find out people’s characters and to whom you are most suited. You have to control your strong desire to find a soul mate immediately.

3. Stability in a friendship, which has had time to develop, similarities of values and interests, with an attraction, is an indicator to prayerfully consider a romantic relationship. Companionship is the strongest predictor of marital success.

Most people stumble at this stage. They rush into romance without friendship causing heartache and pain. Most often the relationship fails if not founded on friendship. This is the most difficult stage to navigate; yet some reasonable risk has to be taken to get to the next stage.

4. Stop, however, if you are considering dating on the basis of the following alone: romantic/sexual attraction; being on the rebound or in rebellion against a third party; desperate loneliness; obligation or duty; financial improvement; escape from present reality; and being pressurised into the relationship.

Interdependently go!

1. Compatibility: With prayer and mutual agreement, start exploring your romantic journey of ‘serious’ one-to-one dating. Are you compatible spiritually, emotionally, mentally, socially, and can you be selfless for the other’s good?

2. Centre: Keep the Lord at the centre of your relationship. Will your relationship together give him honour and glory, rather than serving him on your own?

3. Clarity: With time and prayer, you may discover that you are not suited, but a break up or even a broken engagement is less painful than a bad marriage or divorce. However, your relationship may move onto a blessed marriage.

Dating is an adventure for brave hearts only. Whether or not marriage results, it should be seen as an opportunity for personal, social and spiritual growth. Singles would benefit from sensitive support and seminars on dating from their churches.

If you are a Christian single and would like to discuss this topic further or become involved with the Bedford & South East Christian singles groups, please contact Jacqui through the EN office.

How to 'date' as an older Christian single

Personally get ready

Interpersonally get steady

Interdependently go!

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