Sex, singleness and secularisation

Secular thinking and practices can invade the thinking of Christians overtly or covertly. This article raises the question: could secular thinking be creeping into our churches covertly and influencing our expectations about marriage?

It is addressed mainly to single men, although the problem it addresses is a corporate one and affects the whole body of Christ. But if you’re male and really longing to get married, and it hasn’t worked out for you yet, then this article is not really for you.

Having excluded a large proportion of the EN readership, we can continue!

Social secular trends

One of the many striking social changes that have occurred in British society over the past few decades has been the increasing average age at which people first get married. In 1976 this was 25 for men and 23 for women, but today it is around 31 for men and 29 for women.1 At the same time there has been a marked increase in the age of women at first childbirth (average 26.2 years in 1971, 29.0 years in 1999). There are many reasons for these trends. As far as the non-Christian world is concerned, serial monogamy is the norm and marriage, if it ever happens, is usually preceded by variable periods of co-habitation. Marriage is often viewed as a ‘life-style’ choice associated with an expensive wedding reception and other commitments that might be best postponed. Both co-habiting partners may feel that they should develop their careers further and earn more money before thinking about marriage, or having children.

Closely related to these secular trends is a growing tendency to live alone. By the year 2000, 3/10 households in the UK comprised one person living alone, proportionally 2.5-fold more than in 1961.2 This is partly caused by the breakdown in marriage and relationships involving co-habitation, but other factors play a big part. Some do not want even the level of commitment required for co-habitation.

The challenge to Christians

Where does all this leave single Christians? Clearly with a big challenge. No other facet of biblical practice is so counter-cultural as that which applies to current social practice within this arena. For the Christian, sex belongs to marriage. Far from being a celebration of individualism in which sexual partners declare that what they do is nobody else’s business, sex within the biblical vision belongs to a married relationship.

Christianity is a social and relational faith practised in a community; it has a place of course for loners, as for all damaged but repenting people, but it expects that by God’s sanctifying grace, loners will steadily be transformed into relational people who will begin to enjoy community rather than shrinking from it. Furthermore, marriage between two Christian believers reflects God’s creation ordinance (Genesis 2.18-24: ‘The Lord God said: ‘It is not good for the man to be alone…’) and provides an opportunity to model on earth something of the eternal love that Christ has for his church (Ephesians 5.25-33). As Chris-topher Ash points out in his excellent recent book on marriage, even though there is no marriage in heaven (Matthew 22.30), this does not mean that it is devoid of eschatological significance.3

So what’s the problem?

At the risk of sounding like a ‘Smug Married’ (let the reader of Bridget Jones’ Diary understand), can I at least gently flag up the possibility that some Chris-tian men may have absorbed the individualistic and, dare I say it, rather self-absorbed and self-indulgent ways of the secular world without even realising it? So, like their non-Christian neighbour, they live unmarried, perhaps alone, in some cases even preferring their ‘life-style choice’. Like their non-Christian friends, they delay thinking seriously about marriage because it would cramp their lifestyle and, besides, they are just too busy developing their career to get involved in a time-consuming relationship. Later on, when the bank balance looks healthier, would be a better time to think about such things. Marriage would ‘hold them back’.

Of course, I do not mean to imply that living alone necessarily implies selfishness, and it’s probably the norm that Christian singles share a house and live in relationally rich communities whenever they have the opportunity. Argu-ably, self-interest is challenged more robustly in a shared house than it is in a married relationship! Least of all are singles to be treated somehow as ‘second-class citizens’ within the body of Christ — all are equally precious in God’s sight.

But meanwhile in many, but not all, churches there is a real problem. The problem is that there are more single women than men in their 20s and 30s and many of these women would like to get married. Yes, I know that God can call single women as well as single men into a life of singleness and that they can find complete fulfilment by using their gifts for God’s glory within that calling. The Son of God himself was single and perfectly fulfilled the Father’s will. And yes, I know that some men ‘are eunuchs’ who have ‘renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven’ (Matthew 19.12). But none of this alters the fact that there are many eligible single women in our churches who would like to get married, and it raises the question as to whether Christian men are taking God’s creation ordinance seriously enough. For every single man of marriageable age in our churches, there is by definition a single woman. And whatever might be the practice in the secular context, in the kind of Christian circles in which EN is generally read, I think it would be fair to say that women still expect the men to take the initiative in such matters.

Why marry soon?

There is no particular ‘biblically approved age’ at which to get married. Socially accep-table ages for marriage vary widely between cultures and within the same culture over different historical periods. In New Testament times it was common to be ‘betrothed’ as a teenager (like engagement, only more binding, cf. Luke 1.27; 1 Corinthians 7.36) and the male would typically be older, sometimes considerably older. So today there is no ‘correct’ age at which Christians should marry. Nevertheless, there are some very good theological and practical reasons to get married sooner rather than later. These reasons are not given here as an excuse for precipitous or un-wise decisions, but as a challenge to prayerful action for all male procrastinators.

* First, within our individualistic self-centred culture marriage is one of the central ways in which Christians in partnership can witness to the triune God-in-relationship: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Marriage is linked indissolubly to the relational nature of God himself. As married partners give themselves to each other, so they model something of the self-giving love of the godhead to the watching world. Since this is God’s general will for believers, there seems no good reason not to get on with it.

* Second, living as a single without sex in a sex-saturated society is a challenge to holy living, to put it mildly. Lonely non-relational sex is no substitute for the real thing, frustrating rather than fulfilling. Paul is blunt on the matter: it is ‘better to marry than to burn with passion’ (1 Corinthians 7.9). Besides, sex within marriage is such a wonderful gift of God that it seems a waste to let years go by without enjoying it.

* Third — something really important that men are prone to forget: God has set the male and female biological clocks ticking at very different rates. Males keep producing millions of sperm and can father children well into their 70s. Females, on the other hand, only produce around 450-500 eggs in their whole reproductive life-time, and after their mid-30s their fertility begins to decline significantly.4 Furthermore, younger women generally have less problems in childbirth, whereas older women have increased risk of having babies with birth defects.

* Fourth, if children are born when their parents are relatively young, then there is a greater chance that the grandparents will still be alive as the children grow older, an enormous potential influence in their lives for good (2 Timothy 1.5), and a great joy to the grandparents.

* Fifth, Christian women sometimes get fed up waiting for Christian men to take action, and start going out with a non-Christian, often ending up by marrying the non-believer. It’s easy for the male to retort that she shouldn’t have done that and it’s not his fault. True, but if Christian men were taking their duties seriously, then that scenario becomes less likely. We are to love our neighbour as we love ourselves!

* Sixth, if you are privileged to be called by God into missionary service, married couples are more respected in society in many other cultures, and moving into the overseas situation while still young and flexible will facilitate language-learning and cultural adaptation.

Talk of ‘exercising duties’ seriously by taking action to get married might sound strange. But that’s maybe because our minds have been more shaped by worldly secular thinking than we had realised. It is odd that men who hold strongly to the ordinance of work, an important aspect of God’s created order, do not always hold equally strongly to the ordinance of marriage.

The difficulties

Yes I know there are many problems. Single women, as well as men, can get so absorbed in developing their careers that they forget that costly relationships are at the heart of Christian faith. ‘I just can’t seem to meet the right person’ is also a familiar comment. Yes, but are you sure you’re not being overly influenced by secular ideas about the perfect mate? Not every man is going to marry the Christian version of Penelope Cruz or Cameron Diaz. Maybe you should be a bit more realistic in your expectations.

It is also a matter for regret that in some Christian circles a simple invitation to go out somewhere with a female friend can be interpreted as tantamount to a marriage proposal! Encouraging a less uptight atmosphere on such matters can be helpful. We need to encourage a culture in which social dating without immediate romantic expectations is acceptable. But when the relationship becomes romantic, some blokes also need to be reminded that a woman would like to be loved and cherished, placed (after God) at the centre of his time and affections, not merely added to his ‘current list of projects’.

‘I’ve been rebuffed before and got hurt’ is a familiar complaint. Maybe, but so has pretty much every other male on the planet, so you’re not alone. C.S. Lewis had some very pertinent words on this issue: ‘To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable’.5

This article is a plea to single Christian men to remember that marriage plays a central role in the repertoire of God’s creation ordinances. This is not merely a great truth for meditation, but a call to action to counteract the secular thinking on the matter that seems to be seeping insidiously into local churches. For marriage provides a unique opportunity to demonstrate the self-giving and relational heart of God to a sceptical watching world.

Dr. Denis R. Alexander

The writer is a member of Eden Chapel, Cambridge.

References
1. Census data, 2001. 2. Social Trends 31: 41-42, 2001. 3. C. Ash, Marriage Ð Sex in the Service of God, IVP, 2003. See Ch. 5. There is not space in this article to give a thorough exposition of the biblical doctrine of marriage: instead, this book is warmly recommended as background reading. 4. T.W. Sadler, Lang-man’s Medical Embryology, Williams and Wilkins, 6th ed, 1990. 5. C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves, Fontana, 1963, p.111f.