Give her a break!

A few of my friends thought I was crazy. Certainly many people were impressed by the daunting task I was taking on. But best of all were a handful of people who told me I was doing the right thing.

These people usually had a story to tell of someone in their own family or among their friends who had embarked on a similar adventure.

Following a Christmas-time visit with my family who live abroad, my husband and I and our three children brought home with us an extra visitor - my niece, Jemma, who would be staying with us for the next six months.

Girl doing wrong

This was a hard decision for her parents to make, and one born of desperation. Always having struggled at school, in recent days things had got progressively worse. Jemma had done so badly at school she was not able to move up to the next year group with the rest of her class. A few months previous to this she had been caught shop-lifting, much to the mortification of her whole family. And after having been rumbled in the act of clandestine meetings with an illicit boyfriend, and the consequent row that erupted with her mother, Jemma ran away.

In the end, she was found and returned home after one night away, but that was enough. My sister, who had formerly ruled out the idea of ever letting her children travel by plane on their own, was now willing to dismiss this as well as many other misgivings in a forlorn effort to do something to remedy the situation.

Break the pattern

My niece had always seemed a good, sweet-natured girl, so all these events came as shocks to everyone who knew her. She had fallen in with a bad crowd at school, and certainly she was a follower rather than a leader. When the trouble started I did float the idea of a visit to England, but it was only after the final blow of having her daughter run away that my sister took it seriously. We all reasoned it was the best chance for Jemma - she needed academic help and a break from the social scene that was dragging her down.

And my husband George and I also had hopes for her spiritual life. Jemma had not grown up in a Christian home and did not know the gospel. Perhaps some time with a Christian family and in a thriving youth group would help introduce a more important change in her life.

When Jemma came with us and into a new culture it was not an easy time for any of us. I knew before she came that it would be difficult and involve a lot of hard work; apart from worries about her behaviour the problem of her schooling was overwhelming. I would have to sort this out myself as it was impossible to get her into a local school. Even if a school were available, she wouldn't have coped very well with the level of work. As it turned out things were both harder and easier than I had imagined. Because my children had always loved visiting their cousins, I hadn't worried too much about that angle. They were all excited about her coming. But in reality their relationships were a constant strain. At age 14 Jemma was older than my children, and the eldest (aged 9) found it hard to be usurped as the big cheese among the children. There was a greater increase in noise and fighting than I had imagined!

Since my niece was very vulnerable, far from home and a bit broken in spirit, it was difficult to balance the discipline around fairly. I do think my children, especially the eldest, suffered the brunt of this. As for the major behaviour problems I expected from Jemma - they never materialised. I was warned by both her mother and one of her sisters that I could not trust her. George and I worried about this a lot - what should we do about the phone? The internet? But partly due to a lack of opportunity, and partly to a real desire on her behalf to make a fresh start, we never had any of the major problems from Jemma that we had anticipated. Schooling was another story.

Teaching her at home was a constant and overwhelming burden. Jemma was very far behind, not very able, and although obedient and not unwilling to work, not exactly enthusiastic. Two of my children were at school, but our youngest, aged two, was still at home during the day and needing attention as well. We did all enjoy showing Jemma around England, and she genuinely enjoyed the experience of living in a different country and seeing new places. For us it was a foray into the future having a teenager in our midst. We weren't used to having someone always around, someone who stayed up nearly as late as us! But it was fun too. And it introduced us to a whole new group of people at our church.

Bright spot

For, with all the various ups and downs for both Jemma and my family, there was one unambiguous bright spot in this picture. On her first Sunday at church Jemma was very quiet and withdrawn. George told me she was shaking when he took her to her Sunday School class. We told her she had to come to church with us every Sunday, and that we wanted her to try the youth group meetings Sunday night and mid-week for at least a few weeks to see if she liked it.

And it was here, with the support and friendship she received, and the gospel she was taught, that Jemma had her most powerful experience. Welcomed by the group and warmly befriended, these youth group meetings quickly became Jemma's favourite time of the week. She began to ask us questions about God, about the Bible, about Jesus. Those in leadership made a huge impression on her, with their dedication and enthusiasm. It was wonderful for us; we didn't feel as if we were pushing anything on her, but she was joyfully receiving the good news of God.

We definitely saw a change in Jemma when she was with us. And one special day I found a letter from her on my bed, telling me she had accepted Jesus as her Lord and Saviour. It is a letter I will always keep. Although happy, George and my excitement was tempered by a doubt. Was Jemma just taking on 'the local colour', to be lost again when she returned home?

Step backward

It was a tearful goodbye for Jemma and all her friends, and after six months with our family we put her on a plane to return to her own. For me, I have to admit, there was a sense of relief. But just as strong were my concerns for Jemma as she made the adjustment back into her family and life at home. Would she stick with her commitment? While she was with us, her family had moved to a new town, so she would not have to return to the same school and the same friends. This was a plus - but also another adjustment.

A few months on now and Jemma's return had been a mixed story. Her family did notice a big positive difference in her, and to support this they have started attending a local church - a very surprising and wonderful development -something I could hardly have imagined before. Having visited with Jemma's family in the summer, we found my sister and her husband fairly positive about church and open to Christian things. Sadly though, after school started Jemma took a move backward. She has been caught in some lies and is still unwise in her choice of friends. We will keep praying for her - it will be a bumpy road ahead.

It was fun

These last developments have been discouraging, but I do feel this whole experience has further impressed on me the importance of faithfulness in our actions, regardless of the success of our endeavours. God has also richly blessed my family with the support of many people in our church. It was great to see the love and help they were willing to extend to us during a challenging time in our lives. I also learned more about my own failings and weaknesses during this intense period. My heart, which I always thought to be fairly 'large and warm', let me down repeatedly and I had to rely on God's strength again and again. How amazed I am when I think of the brave people who take troubled children into their homes, children who are no relation to them and who bring with them so much potential for frustration and even danger.

Yesterday, as I was running my son's bath, he told me that he hoped Susan, Jemma's younger sister, could come to stay with us some day.

'It was fun having Jemma to stay with us', he told me. Amused by his enthusiasm, I reminded him how much he had complained during her stay. 'But it was fun, Mummy', he answered simply.

And I had to agree. It had been fun - and it had been hard.

A Christian family helps a wayward niece

Girl doing wrong

Break the pattern

Bright spot

Step backward

It was fun

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