Service out of suffering

The last few decades have seen an enormous rise in infertility figures. Due to a whole host of factors, many couples find it very difficult, or even impossible, to conceive.

Anyone who has faced this knows just how much heartache, pain, stress and confusion it leads to. One of the key purposes of marriage is to raise children, and to be denied this brings an ongoing grief that should not be underestimated.

Jane and David Thomas (not their real names) are one couple who have faced this issue. Ten years ago, just before they married, Jane was rushed into hospital with a deep vein thrombosis. What they didn't realise was that the clot was a symptom of a blood condition which caused her blood to clot unnecessarily and would also cause miscarriages. Jane had her first miscarriage in the first year of married life and another one five years later. She now has to take a blood-thinning drug that helps her condition but has the side effect of preventing her conceiving.

EN spoke to Jane to find out how she and David have coped since then. Their story makes inspirational reading. How they have dealt with childlessness is not a path all will follow. However, whether we have children or not, it presents an example of trusting in God and serving him in whatever situation he brings us, however hard (Philippians 4.11-13).

Coming to terms

'We had always planned to have children and prior to marriage I had spent quite a bit of my working life as a nursery nurse and as a nanny. Finding out that we would never conceive was tough: it was hard to face a future without children. However, we both have a strong Christian faith and I remember one particular conversation where David said: "If we say that God is good and his plans for us are good, that must hold true even when we don't understand, even when it hurts. We know that God's plan is the best for; there are no coincidences. So we must trust that God knows what he's doing."

'Many of our friends had children and we decided that, rather than shying away from contact with children, we would seek to love them and build good relationships with them. So for the next few years we tried to do that and had some good times taking friends' children to Legoland, Alton Towers and the cinema. I also went back to working as a part-time nanny.

The path to fostering

'While these things went some way to filling the hole that we felt as a couple, we still found it hard and together we started praying about adoption. However, something about it didn't fit. We felt that God had put a desire in our hearts to help lots of children and with the best will in the world there is a limit to the number of children you can adopt. So we started to look at fostering. Social services came to visit us and pressed us quite hard to consider the adoption route. However, after battling with them for six months they finally agreed to start the approval process for fostering.

'This proved extremely lengthy. It started with a four-day course called "Choosing to Foster", which we both had to attend. We were accepted onto the course on the proviso that, should we be accepted for fostering, one of us would commit to being at home full-time. After the course a social worker visited us six times for two-hourly sessions. Over the weeks we had to fill in a huge booklet to provide information about our lives. We wrote about our relationship with each of our close family members, about our parents' parenting styles, their relationships with each other, our support networks, any relationships we had before we were married, our hobbies - everything. After all that, we were interviewed individually, and then three of our six referees were also visited.

'Our house was inspected and we were advised on all the Health & Safety requirements. Finally, a report with all the information gathered was submitted to the fostering approval panel. We were approved to foster three children at any one time up to the age of five (we had stated that we did not want to foster children over that age).

Ready to start

'Before we could begin fostering, our home had to be set up for the onslaught! Child locks and stair gates were installed; the medical cabinet was raised and a lock fitted. The spare room was turned into a young child's bedroom and, aided by a £300 grant, it was kitted out with extensive baby regalia. Friends from church began to pass on clothes. This was vital as often children come into care with very little in the way of decent clothes or warm coats. Every time a new child arrives these are the first things you have to try and get hold of!

'A year after we began the approval process, we finally met our first foster children: two little girls aged 18 months and two years. They were sisters and their mother was a young local girl of 21 who was almost permanently pregnant: that was why the girls were so close in age. Their father was also local although he was no longer living with their mother. The girls had a younger sister who was in care and their mother was pregnant again. The two year-old had been looking after the younger one and had to be taught how to play and encouraged to leave the caring to us. Meanwhile, the younger child was completely wild and I found that I couldn't afford to take my eyes off her for a moment. She also had very disturbed sleep patterns and I spent many night-time hours pacing the floors with her. I used the time to pray for the girls, asking God to save them from an early age. I prayed that they would always have Christians in their lives and that their mother would come to know God for herself.

A focused aim

'Our aim with all our foster children has always been the same: to show God's love to them and their families. We have prayed over and with every child who has lived with us. We keep a montage of photos of each child, with their names and the dates that they were with us. We often stop and look at that wall and it reminds us to keep praying.

'We have to be careful not to be seen to be proselytising by the social services. However, we made it very clear from the beginning that our faith was a central part of our lives. When we were asked by the approval panel if we would take a child of another faith to the temple or mosque, we said that, while we would do everything we could to support each child in our care, we wouldn't be able to do that. We said that if their family felt so strongly that they should attend, then they should take them. We were also asked whether we would be happy not to go to church with a child if the parents did not want them to attend. We replied that, as we had always stated Christianity was a central part of our lives, we would ask for information about religion before we took a child and would only proceed if we were allowed to continue practising our faith.

Highs and lows

'The high points of fostering have been when each child moves on to a more positive future. The first two girls went back to their mum who had married a man from a Christian family. The girls' new grandmother takes them to Sunday school every week. The next child was six months when she came and was underweight and extremely unresponsive. When she left us at 14 months, she was a bright, normal, healthy little girl. She was adopted by a childless couple who send us photos and newsletters every year. Our last children were two little girls. When the time came for them to leave us, each of them stated that they wanted to be placed in a Christian home. Amazingly, they were adopted by a family from our church.

'There have been hard times as well as encouragements through the years.

'The lowest point in our fostering so far was when one of the children, with the blessing of social services, but against our wishes, went to visit her father. She suffered sexual abuse during her visit.

'At the moment we are taking a year's break from fostering to recharge emotionally and spend some time together on our own. People ask us what it takes to be a foster parent. We know we are nothing special. We know God has given us everything we need to do it: unconditional love, patience, thankfulness and trust. That's what being a foster parent has meant for us.'

Service out of suffering

Elisa Beynon talks to a Christian couple involved in fostering

Coming to terms

The path to fostering

Ready to start

A focused aim

Highs and lows

Elisa Beynon

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