My wife has died

For the bereaved, there seem to be more helps, counsellors, books and leaflets available than ever before; and money, if you are really clever at multiple form-filling while still numb, crying or in shock. Some Christians, I find, despise the professionals as being somehow 'unspiritual'. I don't; but certain items still seem to be missing from the package.

I write this a few months after the death of my wife, following a comparatively short illness which we both knew was terminal. Sudden deaths and ten-year 'battles with cancer' have their own contrasting extremes of experience and need. Ours was different; but then, everyone's is different. I write here not for widows and widowers, but for their friends; sooner or later, that means you.
I dare not frame my suggestions as commandments; just ideas, recommendations or pleas- please! I give you only three; in my current state, small numbers are easier to cope with.

One: write something

'I'm no good at writing' or 'I didn't know what to say' are poor excuses. One of my most treasured letters is from someone who is no good at writing. Her very struggles with pen and paper move me to tears; she cared that much! Something printed on a card may help you to speak, or your friend to hear, but please add your own words and don't let the printer say it all.

You need not say much and you need not compose a sermon; in fact, please don't. A Scripture text has power, if it is one you have found and made your own rather than passed on second-hand. But say something, however simple, about the one who has died; some memory, some event, something they said, did, or were rather good at - especially if you are the only one who might know or remember. I love to discover small, little-known facets of my wife's life and character; wholly authentic, perfectly consistent, yet new to me and our family.

Two: go to the funeral

Of course, there may be geographical, medical or work-related reasons why this is impossible. But some apologies for absence seem to me a bit thin, most of them involving activities that would surely come round again next week, month or year. You only die once and most people have only one funeral. You may not get much chance to talk; but your presence can mean far more than you would guess or ever know. Many funerals bring glad meetings and some surprises; small reunions can mean great blessings. I never heard anyone say: 'I am so sorry I went to so-and-so's funeral . . .'

Three: afterwards

Unless you know the bereaved person is surrounded daily by family and friends (but do you truly know?), be specific in your offer of help. 'Let me know if there's anything I can do' is often useless, meaningless, even cruel, adding a further burden of anxiety and decision-making to the already heavy load of grief.

More to the point may be: 'I found this bargain in Sainsbury's this week - any good?'; 'Are you free to come to supper one day next week?'; 'Can I mind the children one afternoon?'; 'Can you use any help with the garden?' - and many more where those come from. These are practical, time-giving, loving uses of the imagination.

Some evangelicals, even pastors, think it is smart, pious or cool to be anti-funeral; 'a dead loss' said one noted conference speaker as his audience tittered uneasily. 'Let the dead bury their dead' is so easily wrenched out of context. The grieving for Jacob in the Old Testament and Stephen in the New may be more to the point. The command to Ezekiel not to mourn 'the delight of his eyes' is so dreadful because it is a one-off, and would never have occurred but for the unique divine word.

Elsewhere in Scripture the human rituals of death, burial and mourning are constantly valued and counted significant. And never underestimate the witness you may bring to such occasions. You won't bring it if you're not there, or say nothing. Or if you make your offer more to clear your conscience, half hoping it will be forgotten (it won't) than to help your friend.

Remember, please, that losing someone very close should not make the survivor an outcast; rather the reverse. Bereavement is neither contagious nor shameful. Please don't let your shyness, uncertainty or feelings of inadequacy deprive your friend of your much-needed, much-valued love. By receiving they will grow; by giving, so will you.

My wife has died

One: write something

Two: go to the funeral

Three: afterwards

A.W.

AW

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