Aren't they lovely when they're asleep? - Lessons in unsentimental parenting

'How do I get him or her to behave?' When I give a talk to parents, they usually want me to talk about discipline.

But I have to remind them about the cart and the horse. Or about the fact that a farmer would be foolish to look for a harvest if he had not done any sowing.

Discipline that is worthy of the name cannot happen in a vacuum. Of course you can set up your household with rules and regulations and insist on obedience. But there is a true saying which bears repeating: Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.

Think about Captain Von Trapp in the film The Sound of Music. His seven children lived by his whistle; they were drilled. He thought his household was entirely shipshape and was blind to the fact that his eldest daughter was seeing an unsuitable young man, while the rest of his children, although apparently submissive were actually subversive. Maria, the governess, is bold enough to eventually confront him with the fact that he doesn't know his children. He doesn't play with them, he doesn't meet them where they are.

All the early studies on child-rearing confirmed that the most effective behaviour management stemmed from firmness in the context of a warm relationship.

Consider the triad: Communication - Relationship - Discipline [a diagram].

These three are integrally linked. Note that the arrows go both ways: one feeds on another. Communication is vital to a positive relationship.
So let's think through the nature of communication.

Watch your language

Truth and love

The Bible says you must have both (Ephesians 4.15). And that what comes out of your mouth should be helpful (Ephesians 4.29). Words can build up or they can crush. Those who are proud of the fact that they call a spade a spade are often oblivious to the damage that a spade can do to tender plants. On the other hand, there is an equivalent danger of being the kind of parent who always strokes and smoothes and fails to correct. Truth and love must go hand in hand in all your communication so make a very careful bridge with your words, knowing their power to wound.

Tone of voice

From an early age, before an infant understands the words that you say, he or she will learn to recognise your intent from your intonation. A harsh shout directed at someone else will make the baby cry. On the other hand the soft and gentle tongue can achieve an entrance, win friends and influence people.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15.1).

Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone (Proverbs 25.15).

Body language

'You say it best when you say nothing at all', was the refrain of a recent popular song. How do you best communicate to your child your interest in him and his world? By smiles and looks, by stopping what you are doing and turning to face him, by listening, nodding. All without speech. And how do you communicate to a child the cruel reverse of that? By the newspaper kept up in front of your face, by the walking away, by the preoccupied stare into space, while she rattles on.

Other messages can be easily and effectively communicated without words. Picture the frown which says, 'That is inappropriate behaviour', or the smile which says, 'You are very special to me'.

Learn to listen

He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame (Proverbs 18.13).

Four components

In order for real communication to take place, four things have to happen: A speaks, B listens, B speaks, A listens. It is very easy to think that communication is about getting your point across, or about everyone having his say. It tends to be the listening components which are neglected but James reminds us that we should all be quick to listen but slow to speak (James 1.19).
Listening must be learned (by you). As the adult member of the partnership you have to be prepared to take the trouble to listen. When a child is learning to talk, it takes the enthusiastic expert, i.e. you, the proud parent, to interpret it back. Other listeners may be completely mystified by the infant utterances, but you know. And your automatic response to listen, interpret and repeat it back, perhaps more precisely, is not only excellent for the child's growing grasp of language but is a perfect lesson in communication. Sadly, when children learn to articulate more clearly, parents stop doing this, forgetting that though speech is well advanced, language and the ability to express a feeling is still in its infancy. So, not only has the parent to listen to the words but to search for the emotion behind the words. For example, a child who says, 'I'm hopeless at reading' is not looking for an argument about the facts concerning his own achievements in literacy or whether he is better or worse than anyone else, or a lecture of the 'no gains without pains' variety. He is expressing his discouragement. The wise parent reads that message and looks for opportunities to build confidence and self-esteem, including possibly the tackling of a well-known and much loved text next time they read together.

Listening must be taught. In a televisual age, a child can lose the ability to pick up cues merely from listening. He or she learns to rely on visual cues for understanding. Teachers in reception classes find that many children cannot follow a simple spoken instruction, not because they are rebellious but because they do not have the necessary skills to hear words and decode them into a spur for action on their part. No wonder the so-called attention deficiency disorder (ADD) is on the increase. Nobody had ever heard of it before the widespread and continual infantile pastime of watching TV and video. I am not advocating the outright prohibition of television watching for children, but parents who allow their children that pleasure must be careful that their children do not lose the ability to learn by listening. Here are some ways in which you can encourage good listening skills.

Tell stories

That is to say, instead of sharing a book with your child and reading the text, occasionally just get eyeball to eyeball contact and tell the story. Stop and ask questions occasionally, e.g. what do you think happened next?

Play listening games

Simon Says is a classic example. But there are many. Games which include lists like 'I went to the moon and found a ƒ.' are good for training memory and listening. A ridiculous favourite with my children was the one called 'I'll do one thing while you do another' in which we gave each other crazy instructions and added to them, e.g. Stand on one leg; stand on one leg with a cushion on your head; stand on one leg with a cushion on your head and a finger in one ear; etc. etc. until someone falls over laughing.

Give instructions

This is a good way to assess progress in listening. Can your child reliably repeat a message from you in the bedroom to Daddy in the kitchen? Give them practice. Give instructions and monitor the ability to carry it out. Very small children can only cope with one instruction at a time, but as they grow, encourage the ability to receive and carry out two, then three, then four or five given instructions. Set it as a challenge.

Make the relationship

You say, we have a relationship, my children and me. Of course you do. But it will stand a little scrutiny and the investment of some time for consideration. Do not take that relationship for granted. Parent/child relationships can wither and die for lack of attention. In most cases the parents concerned did not want that to happen. But not wanting it to happen is not enough. On several occasions a parent has admitted wistfully to me, 'It was great when they were little; we used to have such fun as a family.' But as teenagers these same children have firmly closed the door and there is in the house an atmosphere of tension and resentment. Parents who take particular joy in playing with their children when they are little, need to be prepared to adjust to the growing child's development.

There are periods of rapid growth, both physically and emotionally. Your relationship must be elastic enough to take that strain and hang in there. That is one reason why I sub-titled this book, 'Lessons in unsentimental parenting'. Our love for our children must not be tied up with their cuteness. They don't stay cute. They get smelly, spotty, awkward, secretive and rude. They are not less precious then. Another title I toyed with was 'Feeding the mouth that bites', because that is what parenting can feel like. It takes a lifetime of conscious commitment to make the relationship.

To think over:

Which of the four components of real communication is weakest in your interaction with your child?

To act upon:

What steps will you take to improve it? List here some activities which have enhanced or could enhance your relationship with your child.

This article is an edited extract from Ann Benton's new book 'Aren't they lovely when they're asleep? - Lessons in unsentimental parenting', published by Christian Focus at £3.99.