Refocusing your marriage

Let me ask you a personal question. What is the purpose of your marriage?

As a bride and groom walk down the aisle, what agenda is at the back of their minds? It may be overstating it a bit but is he thinking about her along these lines? 'You make me happy, and in getting married I'm giving you the opportunity to make me happy for the rest of your life.' She may be thinking something very similar.

As Christians we might feel a little uncomfortable about that. We might decide its better to put things in terms of our happiness rather than my happiness. But the question is this: is happiness, either individually or together, meant to be the purpose at the centre of your marriage? I do not think it is. One well-known Christian book on marriage, which has much good in it, tells us, with Genesis 2.24 in mind, that the purpose of marriage is 'oneness'. But I don't think that is true either. Adam and Eve were at one in their decision to eat the forbidden fruit. Other Christians might say that the purpose of marriage is to serve one another. But though that is good, I have to say that I do not think that is the main purpose either.

Of course God wants us to be happy in our marriages and at one in our marriages and to serve one another. But if we focus on these things we are missing the wood for the trees. None of these things should be top of our marriage agenda. I have one simple message that we need to get straight. Before all else, your marriage, Christian, is for God. That is the big picture which we must not miss. The direction of your marriage must be towards God and his glory and that direction must be explicit and consciously pursued.

When there are serious problems in a Christian marriage they are almost certainly first vertical before they are horizontal. If the Lord is not at the centre of your personal lives and of your marriage, then simply improving communication skills or understanding gender differences better will not do. God and his glory must be your goal.

Prove it!

We can see this is true as we look at three great phases of redemption history.

From creation

Adam and Eve were made to fulfil the purposes of God on earth (Genesis 1.26-28). Made in the image of God, they were created to obey him and represent him in the world. Yes, God gave them great freedom, e.g. Genesis 2.16,17. But they were there for God, and so are we.

It was not that God made marriage and then as an afterthought decided that marriage made a rather good illustration of the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5.31,32 tells us it was the other way round. From the very beginning marriage was designed to be a mirror of spiritual realities. It was made to picture Christ and the church. From the beginning marriage served God's larger purposes, and so should your marriage and mine.

From salvation

Let's ask the question: 'What is a Christian?' There are, of course, many wonderful ways of giving an answer. But one definition is given by Paul in 2 Corinthians 5.15. There he tells us that a Christian is someone who no longer lives for self, but for the Lord who died for them. That living for the Lord is meant to be true in every area of our lives. And that includes marriage.

The Lord Jesus himself spells this out very bluntly. 'If anyone comes to me and does not (by comparison) hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple' (brackets mine, Luke 14.26). Our marriage and family fall within the sphere over which Christ claims first place.

From resurrection

The fact that our marriages are for God is also seen from the temporary nature of marriage. It is only for this life. Do you remember Jesus's answer to the trick question from the Sadducees?

They posited the case of one woman who had consecutively had seven husbands. Whose wife would she be in the resurrection state? Jesus replied: 'Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God? When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven' (Mark 12.25). Marriage is only for this life. It is a present picture of the fullness of the relationship between Christ and the church. But when the reality of that relationship comes the picture is no longer required. Marriage is only temporary. It is not an end in itself.

This reminds us that though marriage is good we must not put too much pressure on single people. I saw a quote recently from a single chap about how he stopped people bugging him all the time about getting married. He said: 'Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and gleefully whispering: "You're next".' 'They stopped', he said, 'when I started doing the same to them at funerals.' According to 1 Corinthians 7 single people can serve God well. Our marriages are meant to serve God too.

Apply it!

When God is removed as the ruler of our hearts and the agenda setter in the marriage it is bound to lead to trouble of one sort or another.

Is the highest commitment in your marriage to your own personal happiness? Is the real root of the trouble between you that you are angry that your mate has not delivered? Jesus's parable of the tree and its fruit tells us that our actions reveal our hearts (Luke 6.43-45). The things we do in our marriages also reveal our hearts.

Is the highest commitment in your marriage to your mutual happiness rather than to the Lord and his glory? Or is the focus on what is best for your children? But important though your children indeed are, they are not more important than God.

Are you blaming your partner for the problems in your marriage when in fact the problem is in your heart relationship to God. It is always easier to see another's faults than our own (Matthew 7.3-5). God calls us to peace. He has clearly described to us in his word how a husband and wife should relate together. Isn't it time to stop blaming each other and humbly admit what is really ruling your hearts? Isn't it time to repent of your idols and make Jesus Lord? Isn't it time to let him set the agenda for your marriage?

As we do that, I can assure you there will be blessing for both partners and the whole family. At the recent London Men's Convention, David Jackman was asked what one piece of advice he would give to newly married people. His answer was immediate. 'Seek first God's kingdom and his righteousness...' (Matthew 6.33).

What is at the top of your agenda?

Prove it!

From creation

From salvation

From resurrection

Apply it!

JEB

John Benton

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