In an increasingly decadent society, it is not surprising that many Christian marriages come under pressure...
Andrew had been accepted at law college and I was doing a postgraduate teaching certificate during the first year of our married life. We had found a charming flat near the river to rent.
Life had not been easy for either of us. I had lost my brother after a long illness. Andrew had suffered from having a father who was a compulsive gambler. But we were looking forward to happiness and were ready for God to use us.
Happy family life
Settling into life at a local church was our first priority. Soon we both had jobs in the area, had bought a house and then we had two lovely children, a girl and a boy. I was pleased and happy with our achievements. Who knows if I did not notice that Andrew was not so happy?
He began to mention that he wanted to socialise more with the people at work. He joined the badminton team. He blamed returning home late on workload. My fears burst out when he suddenly said he was going out for the evening with a woman from his office; it was all handled so openly but I felt very uneasy. This kind of thing continued and I mentioned it to someone at church, but they thought I must be exaggerating. In retrospect I think this was when my husband would have listened to Christian advice, but the time soon came when his emotions had overcome his reason.
Fear of causing them the same anguish I was going through prevented me from talking to my parents. However, life had become so difficult that I decided to go and stay with them for a week. This was when the adultery became obvious, because Andrew told me to phone at particular times, but then he wasn't in. Many people in the church blamed my going away as the cause of the adultery, but in reality it had only brought the months of distress to a head. My parents were supportive and full of good advice. I also received a special word from the Lord at this time from one of the Psalms: 'Trust in the Lord and do good'. This word kept me on many occasions from behaving in a vindictive or bitter manner.
Three weeks later I returned to our house where I lived as a single mother for nearly six months. I had lost a lot of weight and was beginning to go prematurely grey. But I tried to act and look respectable which encouraged my self-esteem.
A dark tunnel
This was the time I went through a dark tunnel. I could not see the light but I knew God was there with me and he could see the end. After five months that are forever stamped on my memory Andrew told me that he had the offer of a junior partnership in another part of the country. It was then that I gave him the ultimatum that if he did not come back there would be no other chance. I had also received from the Bible that God hates divorce and I had been careful not to rush to see my solicitor. However, it seemed that this must be decision time. He decided to come back.
Here the story came to an end for the spectators. We were back together and life was going on as it should. No one realised that Andrew acted as if someone was dead for at least a year; that the woman he had left harassed him for another five years; that he did not repent before the Lord and our lives could not possibly be the same. In some respects it was easier living in a new area, but in others it was hard. The wounds were open and there seemed to be no one to help with the healing. I did make a real effort to put the past behind me, asking the Lord Jesus Christ to help me forgive and forget. The end of each year seemed particularly hard; another year when Andrew had not come back to Christ and our relationship continued to be shaky. I often thought that I would just wait until the children were older and then we could separate.
Healing does take place over time however, and our relationship improved. So I was not completely prepared for the news that Andrew had had another brief affair. It was news to me, though it had taken place some years previous to the time I was told about it. When I confronted him he answered that it was merely physical and did not have the emotional implications of the previous one. This was stated in such a matter of fact way that initially I could not take it in. But when I did, I felt totally devastated! It seemed to me that all my effort over the years had been in vain. A huge sense of failure and anger came over me. Why had he not valued my effort? What was wrong with me? How dare he take risks in regard to sexually-transmitted diseases? This woman had actually come to our recent house-warming - did others know about the affair? I felt humiliated and betrayed!
This was the time when, but for the grace of God, I would have gone the same way and blown caution to the wind. But as the struggle abated I read the words of Psalm 73: 'But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by your right hand.'
It was towards the end of 1996 that I prayed with all my heart to know the Lord better and I longed to be healed from the emotional hurt. Fear had taken a grip on me; fear of it happening again and how I could never let it happen again. The first Sunday of the New Year found us in a church away from our own home and a lovely Arab Christian who had known harsh persecution in the Middle East was preaching. The word he spoke was powerful and penetrated my soul. He spoke of the forgiveness of the Lord, and how he was willing to forgive us time after time. Reflecting on the sermon I was so thankful for Christ's forgiveness so freely given. That same Sunday, Andrew talked to me about the fear he had of falling into this kind of affair again but assuring me that he did not want to.
The future
It was the combination of these two things which made me clear about the future and my fears diminished. The Lord is always willing to forgive us and this was the way forward for me too. This was the way the Master went, should not the servant tread it still? If Andrew had another affair and yet came and asked for forgiveness and was prepared again to be faithful to me, then I must forgive even as Christ continually forgives us. This does not mean that there would not be the same deep hurt. But is not Jesus continually hurt by our sin?
And of course, this does not mean that Andrew should commit adultery as he knows he will be forgiven, any more than other Christians should feel free to sin knowing that Christ will forgive. There remains a warning: one day the marriage could end if Andrew decided to leave and not come back. This, I suppose, is a picture of what happens to the one who is apostate after seeming to walk with the Lord.
These years of experience have taught me many things, but the deepest of all was that of the love of Christ and how much grief he experiences because of that intense love that will not let us go. The teaching of Scripture that marriage is a reflection of Christ's relationship to his church has taken on a new meaning for me.
Forgiveness is one of the marks of being a true believer. The advice to an adulterer or an adulteress must be to repent and completely give that other person up, and seek to build your marriage again. But forgiveness from the spouse must be genuine too and when something as traumatic as this has taken place we must learn patience and perseverance.
A mother in Israel
Anon
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