What some of you were

Christopher's story

Many people in our churches struggle with a variety of sexual temptations. In this extract from a new book, we read how one young man fell and was restored...

My introduction to homosexuality came about through someone in my church. I became a Christian when I was 16, and had been attending a local church since my conversion.

An older man started attending our church. I had an instinct about this man, and it wasn't long before we both knew we were attracted to each other, and a relationship began. I knew enough to realise that, for me, Christianity and active homosexuality were not a compatible mix. I suppose there were three choices I could have made. First, I could have fought the temptation and continued with Christianity. Or I could have gone into the relationship and continued to attend church. But my choice was to leave God and to enter into what I hoped would be a lifelong, faithful relationship.

The relationship ended after a few months, and some of the gay people I had met introduced me to the bar and pub scene which was part of the gay lifestyle in the 1960s.

Gay scene

At first my involvement in the gay lifestyle was exciting. I was young, many of the people were sophisticated and interesting, and I was receiving lots of attention from older men - attention I had never had from my father.

But the most important thing for me was the possibility of finding the long-term faithful relationship I had always so desperately wanted. My desire was to meet 'Mr. Right' and settle down where all my needs were going to be met by this 'Prince Charming'.

I was part of the gay community for 15 years, and during that time I had four relationships. These were not the loving, stable, monogamous, 'happy-ever-after' relationships I had wanted. They were dysfunctional, destructive and damaging.

Questions

After the demise of my fourth relationship, I seriously began to question my involvement with homosexuality. I knew that morally it was not right for me. I had never lost my awareness of God, and I knew the day would come when I would have to sort out my relationship with him. I was now beginning to question seriously much of the gay propaganda which I had believed, especially the myth of the stable, faithful, long-term relationship. I was looking closely at many of the people with whom I mixed, and I was beginning to realise how seriously damaged many of them were. I was also realistic enough to know there was damage in my own life: I had begun to abuse drugs and alcohol.

Coming back to Christ

The first thing I did after I left the gay community was to recommit my life to Jesus Christ. I gave him as much of myself as I could at first. Later, as my trust in him deepened, I gave him more. As far as I could at that time, I made a decision to trust him. I wish I could say once I had done all of that I lived happily ever after, but I can't. In leaving the homosexual community, I left an entire culture. For example, it had its own dress codes, vocabulary, entertainers, music, humour and morality. I went into the church community and it had its own culture, dress code, vocabulary, music and moral code.

Obviously this was a huge adjustment, and there was a lot of change and grief involved. I was grieving over the loss of the lifestyle and some of the friends I had left. While I had no regrets about leaving the gay culture, I was missing some of the people I had been close to. I felt that if I had opened up about this at church, I probably would not have been understood. There was also a big adjustment to the culture of the church. Everything was different and it took time to get used to the very different environment I had joined. I had come from the hectic, fast-paced and at times bizarre homosexual culture, into the very sheltered and unworldly atmosphere of the church.

I was now celibate after being sexually active for many years, and just finding things I had in common with the men in the church was difficult, as I had never been interested in sport or any of what are traditionally regarded as 'male interests'.

Dealing with the past

There were other things going on at that time as well. I had never dealt with any of the past hurts in my life. Now I found God was raising issues I needed to give some attention to. At about the age of three or four I had been abused by an uncle, and I had never dealt with the effects of that abuse. I was slowly becoming aware of the emotional deprivation I had experienced as a child. I can never remember my father showing me any affection.

Consequently, learning about God's fatherly love for me was very difficult as I had no experience to use as a model. It would have been helpful at that time to have had someone to talk with about some of these things. Someone who knew how to listen, who was understanding and accepting.

Over many years, I went on to deal with a whole lot of things, including what I now see as the roots of my homosexuality.

When I was eventually brave enough to confide in Christians, I had prayer ministry and also professional counselling. I spent hours reading and praying through the Bible, as well as any other books I thought would be helpful. Whatever was available, I used. Over many years, as the roots of my homosexuality were dealt with thoroughly, and with God, I realised an amazing thing. I became aware that my sexual responses were changing.

I first became aware of this one day when I had decided to attend a service in another denomination. As I was waiting for the service to begin, I noticed a young woman sitting a couple of rows ahead of me. I sat there admiring her. She was a stunning-looking girl. Beautiful skin, lovely hair, and there was a purity about her that I had never seen in any of the men in the gay culture. One of the myths I had accepted was 'once gay, always gay, you're born that way'.

My experience of responding to that girl in church had proved that to be wrong! I was also aware that for a long time, I had not been attracted to men in a sexual way. I now had to admit to myself that my sexuality was far from fixed - it was changing, and that was quite a revelation to me. I had to re-think all that I had accepted and believed up to that time. This was difficult, as there was no one I could talk to.

Also helpful in my process were my friendships with other Christian men. I spent time with these men, and learned to relate to them in ways that were healthy. We shared with each other, listened to each other and prayed together. Apart from friendship, these guys provided me with the good role models I needed, as my father hadn't provided for me in that way. The relationships were firmly based on mutuality. None of these men treated me as their 'project'.

It's been a long, and at times very painful, road of growth and change for me, but the blessings have far outweighed any pain I have experienced.

'What some of you were' is published by Matthias Media, and distributed in the UK by The Good Book Company, at £7.00. Call 020 8942 0880 to order.

What some of you were

Many Christians struggle with unwanted desires - Christopher's story is how one young man fell and was restored...

Christopher's story

Gay scene

Questions

Coming back to Christ

Dealing with the past

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