Monthly column for youth leaders

This month's 'web page in print' deals with the ever-sensitive issue of teaching Christian young people about relationships and sex.

There is no shortage of writers on this subject willing to add their wisdom to the melting pot. Sadly, there is little quality material for young people, with good biblical content. Some books, by well-known Christians, don't mention the Bible at all, although they may be very frank.

Finding resources

If you are searching for some decent material I can help narrow the search a little. 'Distinctives' by Vaughn Roberts and 'Hanging in There' by John Dickson have chapters on sex and relationships. Both make good use of the Bible and could provide a good starting point for planning a meeting. A book that is aimed at students but is useful for older teenagers is 'Relationships Revolution' by Nigel Pollock. 'God, Sex and Marriage' by John Richardson remains a very balanced overview of the whole subject.

It is important to be discerning as you buy the books. When I pick up a book I generally look first at the chapter headings, then flick through at random to see whether the Bible is being used throughout. I try to identify the conclusions drawn and the advice given to see whether I would be happy teaching those things myself.

Answering questions

There are several reasons why there are so many books and the subject is so difficult to teach. It is an embarrassing and personal subject. It is always difficult to pitch things so as to avoid the giggling. One of the biggest reasons is that here, above most other areas of morality, we want things our own way. Some teenagers request talk after talk on this subject, thinking eventually they will hear what they want to hear. Sex and relationships talks bring about classic cases of 'itchy ears' (2 Timothy 4). Teenagers will flock to someone telling them what they want to hear.

One classic question is 'How far can I go with my boy/girl friend?' This seemingly pious question is often asked because once the line is drawn the young people want to get as close to that line as possible. Although below I am about to advocate giving direct guidelines, I do not think it is the sensible option as far as petting is concerned. It is a good question to avoid and instead phrase it the other way round: 'How can I do what pleases God?'

Another great question is 'Can a Christian go out with a non-Christian?' The answer is easy to discern from the Bible but it is a question that throws up two issues that make it difficult to answer. The Bible clearly states that we shouldn't be 'yoked together with unbelievers' (2 Corinthians 6). This passage is applicable to relationships, but is not its final application, and it should really be taught in a wider context.

Raising issues

The first problem in answering the question is that we don't want to actually say those words to our youth groups. We are afraid of the consequences of being too authoritarian. It is not politically correct to refer to absolute moral authority, even in a Christian youth group. To get around this some of us read out the instructions to the young people and hope they will apply it themselves, like the old joke 'how many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?' Although it is essential to teach the Bible, some of us hide behind it and do not apply it. (The answer to the joke is none, they just read out the instructions and the light bulb will change itself.)

So the first issue is actually being bold enough to give applications and guidelines even if what we say is not what their itching ears want to hear. The second issue is that by answering such questions about dating we are narrowing our teaching on the subject of relationships. By starting from the point of view that we all want to go out with someone, we are inevitably going to leave some young people behind, or even upset them. We may encourage more young people to agonise over relationships because we hint that that it is normal. With such a narrow view, there are many areas we should teach but don't.

Practical steps

We could encourage young people to wait longer before starting the dating game. We could encourage our youth group to always go out in groups larger than three or four, to avoid the pairing off syndrome. We could promote activities that involve large numbers or single sex groups. We should teach what the Bible says about sex and relationships, probably more frequently, but we must teach it as part of a much larger subject (Me, you, us, them published by CPAS is quite good on this).

Just the start

This is just the beginning of thinking about this subject and it is a reaction to some areas that I think are overlooked or under-taught. I hope that it opens new opportunities to disciple your young people and doesn't just open a 'can of worms'.

Web page #3: Content advisor

Finding resources

Answering questions

Raising issues

Practical steps

Just the start

Roger Fawcett

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