Singled out

'A man who is not married is only half a man', Dr. Johnson declared.

Some 250 years later, this sentiment is still believed, articulated and acted upon by a good number of us.

In a scene from the 1992 film When Harry Met Sally, Sally, who has recently broken up with her boyfriend, is talking with two friends, Marie and Alice. Marie is searching through her address book for names of men she could set Sally up with. Sally is reluctant. 'Don't wait too long,' cautions Marie, 'remember what happened to David Warsoff. His wife left him and everyone said give him some time. Don't move in too fast. Six months later he was dead.' 'What are you saying?' Sally asks, 'I should get married to someone else right away in case he's about to die?' 'At least you could say you were married,' Alice sighs.

Radical validation

Jesus was born into a society which venerated the family. A person's identity was inextricably linked to the family they were born into. Jewish law decreed that marriage and reproduction should be everyone's priority. In this context, Jesus's validation of singleness as an equal state to marriage was radical. He redefined both family and what constituted one's lifelong priorities. Christian family signifies spiritual rather than biological kinship, and a Christian's true brothers and sisters are other children of God. Christian priorities are for spiritual rather than natural reproduction, and Christians are to reproduce through dedicating themselves to making disciples of Jesus.

Paul followed Jesus in supporting singleness as a gift equal in value to marriage, expecting that the desire 'to live in a right way in devotion to the Lord' (1 Corinthians 7.35) would result in some staying single. As the early church developed, its grasp of these New Testament truths about the value of celibacy led to the founding of monasteries and convents, and to the unfortunate exaltation of singleness over marriage, shown also by the adoption of a celibate priesthood.

The Reformation in the 16th century radically changed the church's stance on marriage and singleness. Monasteries and convents were shut down and former monks and nuns urged to marry. Marriage was heralded as the panacea for all societal ills. Luther took an unwavering stand against singleness. Speaking of women's roles, he declared: 'Scripture and life reveal that only one woman in thousands has been endowed with the God-given aptitude to live in chastity and virginity. A woman is not fully the master of herself. God fashioned her body so that she should be with a man, to have and to rear children.'

35% single

Ever since the Reformation, evangelicals have, both explicitly and tacitly, preferred marriage to singleness. It is common for churches to appoint ministers who are married with children, because it is believed that they will provide greater stability and be better able to counsel church members and to attract families to the church. Research shows that while 35% of church members are single, only 26% of those involved in church leadership are.

This lack of singles in leadership has resulted in the marginalisation of single Christians. Many church house groups are led only by married couples. Single people are viewed as immature, lacking and in need of a spouse to give them a passport to adulthood and to opportunities to serve within the church. Indeed, surveys suggest that 90% of singles would prefer to get married. In a context of a church which favours marriage, this figure is not surprising.

Loneliness

My own research into the role of single women in the contemporary evangelical church revealed the pain caused to singles by married Christians. Some suffer acute loneliness because they feel excluded from the church's social life. Sermons are frequently illustrated with anecdotes from the minister's married and family life, and evangelistic drives focus on young families.

Many see marriage as the way to escape loneliness and lack of recognition in their churches. An ever-expanding number of 'Christian' dating agencies and singles holidays promise, for a fee, to lead them to the man or woman 'God' has prepared for them. But with women making up 68% of single church members, marriage, even if desired, is not guaranteed.

An evangelical friend of mine provides a telling example of what can happen to singles who worship in marriage-centred churches. For some years she attended an evangelical church which had few single members. The virtues of marriage were regularly extolled from the pulpit and most couples had a large number of children. She began to develop a strong desire to marry. As the other few singles began to marry, she shared her anxieties with some people in leadership who began praying that God would bring her a husband. It was suggested that she move to the other side of the country to a related church which reportedly had some eligible single men. She decided against this.

The situation at the church did not improve and she eventually took the decision to leave to go to a larger church. The church leaders wished her well in the new church and commented: 'When you've found a man, do come back to us - and bring some other single men with you!' She joined the new church, and when after a year or so had failed to find a husband, she became disillusioned - with church, with God. The last I heard was that she'd bought a computer for the sole purpose of using internet dating agencies and was no longer attending church.

This example may be extreme (though I am not convinced it is), but it illustrates that a church which does not teach singleness as a gift, ultimately harms both its members and the progress of the gospel.

The idealisation of marriage does not only make single Christians feel second class. It reveals a church so focused on life on earth that it neglects what is to come. Marriage is a gift from God intended as a picture of the relationship between Christ and his church. But marriage will not exist in heaven. Singleness is God's gift intended as a beautiful picture of the church preparing herself for the consummation of her marriage to Christ at the resurrection. Marriage depicts the present state of the church, singleness the future. If either singleness or marriage are neglected, the church will suffer.

Friendships difficult

Emphasis on marriage also makes friendships between the sexes difficult, as all singles are thought to be desperate for a partner. It is noticeable that those churches who emphasise marriage over singleness tend to be suspicious about men and women working together, immediately suspecting that something untoward will happen. If a single man leads a Bible study group with a single woman, they are bound to fall for each other, it is believed.

This is where When Harry Met Sally comes in again. At the beginning of the film Sally is sharing an 18-hour car journey to New York, where she is moving to start a new job, with Harry, whom she has never met before. He tells her he finds her attractive. She replies that she wants them just to be friends. Harry then utters the much-quoted line 'men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.' 'That's too bad', replies Sally, 'because you were the only person I knew in New York.' In a cultural context in which marriage and sexual relationships are prized above singleness, it is often true that 'the sex part' gets in the way of friendship. But should relationships in God's kingdom be this way?

What to teach

So what can we do to ensure that we value the singleness in our churches? The primary responsibility lies with leaders to teach a biblical view of singleness, encouraging singles to use the situations God has placed them in to serve him wholeheartedly and allocating ministerial roles within the church on the basis of gift, not of marital status. Paul encourages living for Christ in the present in 1 Corinthians 7: 'Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this' (verses 27-28).

Others of us can seek to encourage our single friends, steering them away from any preoccupation with desire to marry and assuring them of God's sovereignty. Al Hsu's The Single Issue is a good book for single people and other interested Christians to read.

Teach marriage, teach singleness and try and make your church as inclusive as possible. But above all, may we never forget that God's priority is not that we marry, or that we are single, but that we take part in his plan 'to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ' (Ephesians 1.10).

Further reading:
Steve Chilcraft (1993) One of Us: Single People as Part of the Church, Nelson Word, p.76. Steve Chilcraft, Sheena Gillies and Rory Keegan (1997) Single Issues: a Whole-Church Approach to Singleness, Church Pastoral Aid Society p.8. Al Hsu (1997) The Single Issue, IVP.

Kristin Aune on the church and the unmarried

Radical validation

35% single

Loneliness

Friendships difficult

What to teach

Kristin Aune

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