Horizons of Hope

Between them, Graham and Tessa can log over 100 years of experience of life from a wheelchair!

In that time they have overcome most of the obstacles to living a meaningful life. Their dogged determination and their keen sense of humour have turned what could have been disaster into a story of the triumph of faith over adversity. Brian Edwards, who was their pastor for 15 years, tells their story.

Saturday May 26 1973 was a perfect day for a wedding. The sun ruled in a cloudless late spring sky over the church. The bridegroom and his best man were there well before the 200 guests had arrived. The congregation settled into their seats and, in the usual subdued whispers, discussed and guessed at the bride's outfit. When she arrived, 30 minutes late and in a white Mercedes, she wore an attractive lilac dress. It would have been like any other wedding except for the fact that the bride and groom were severely disabled and confined to wheelchairs.

Cerebral palsy

These two wartime babies suffered from cerebral palsy that left them with little or no muscular use in their legs, and with Tessa's speech so seriously affected that it took her many years to learn to articulate normal sounds. Life, for both of them, had been a long and uphill struggle against loneliness, the indifference of society, the usual frustrations of the disabled, and finally the over-protectiveness of well-intentioned carers who could not imagine the possibility of Graham and Tessa living together as husband and wife.

Graham was born in Harrow, North London, a few months before the outbreak of World War II. He was an only child and his mother tried hard to care for him. But there was little support at a time when the nation had seemingly more important issues to occupy its attention. A grand outing for the toddler with callipers to the waist, was an exhausting walk to the nearby cake shop.

During the early years of his life, Graham had no friends, few people visited, and for most of the time he simply stayed at home. He occupied his time by starting a stamp collection and by listening to his records. The old 78s were played again and again. He could enjoy most music and his feet and legs longed to roll with Lonnie Donnegan, but whenever he tried it, he always ended up as an untidy heap on the floor! In spite of having no friends and no visitors, Graham was reasonably happy, if only because few demands were placed on him.

Coombe Farm

When his mother was weakened by glandular fever and the onset of a heart condition, Graham was shunted between relatives until, at the age of 12, he began his long experience of residential homes; first in Croydon and then in Broadstairs. Finally, when he was 18 he arrived back in Croydon and settled into a new home. At Coombe Farm, he was to stay for the next 17 years of his life.

Coombe Farm was an old Victorian farmhouse that had been purchased by the Spastics Society (renamed Scope in 1994). It boasted a grand reception area with an impressive staircase. The servants' rooms had been converted into bedrooms to house the forty or so residents, each of whom suffered from cerebral palsy. They arrived at the age of 16 and were supposed to move on at 25, but since there was nowhere for them to go, most stayed on longer. The old farmhouse was situated in acres of woodlands, gardens, and even a golf course for the public.

The daily routine at Coombe Farm meant that the residents were up at seven in the morning in order to breakfast by eight. Some parents assumed that their children would never grow up and would always remain child-like; consequently some were treated like this well into young adulthood. Most activities, even the entertainment offered on Saturday evening, was compulsory; you attended whether you wanted to or not. An assembly was held each morning and several churches took turns to conduct services on Sunday.

Suffolk girl

Tessa was born in Bungay, Suffolk in 1940, when Britain appeared to be losing the war. She was the youngest of four children. It was six months before Tessa's condition was diagnosed and eventually she was accepted by a hospital in Norwich 'to see what they could do for her', but after a year she caught measles and was sent home. A short stay in Great Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Children did not help her much. After two operations, and experiments with walking aids, Tessa left hospital still unable to walk.

Tessa was an oddity in a small village unused to disability, and wherever she went people stared at her. She played with her cousins and her sister to relieve her mother a little, but by the age of five Tessa's mother, with the best of intentions, was unable to cope. Tessa found herself in a hospital in Hampshire and for the next six years she never went home. Her only contact was with the other disabled children around her. They were given two hours for lessons each morning, and spent the rest of the day in bed. Tessa played endlessly with her few dolls. The most exciting activity of the day was the arrival of the physiotherapist, when at least the children could escape from their bed for a short time of exercise.

Sent home

No one thought to explain her disability to Tessa, but she picked up the drift of her condition along the way. This was confirmed when, at the age of eight, Tessa overheard a doctor and nurse discussing her case, 'She's got cerebral palsy', commented the nurse, 'but she doesn't understand.' 'Oh, but I do', thought the sharp eight-year old. Bright she may have been, but it wasn't obvious. Without the challenge of normal children around her, and with no serious attempt to teach her to talk properly, Tessa appeared to be simple and awkward. At the age of ten and a half, Tessa was sent to a boarding school in Wiltshire, but it proved to be a short stay, because she was thought to be incontinent, and she was sent home.

For a while Tessa and her mother struggled on together at home. It was a hard and lonely experience. Although her mother tried to do the very best for her, she could barely cope with a young teenage daughter who was severely disabled, could not speak properly, and was becoming rebellious in spirit.

In 1957 there was a new move, this time to Coombe Farm where Graham had arrived 18 months earlier.

Tense and frustrated, Tessa embarked on a policy of non-co-operation by refusing to do what was wanted of her. It was her way of getting her own back on a society that, to Tessa's thinking at least, didn't seem to understand her and didn't appear to care very much either.

Slowly, the teenager grew into womanhood and the rebellion was abandoned for a more mature and measured assertiveness. She was offered speech therapy at last and this opened a new dimension to life. Her sharp mind could now communicate intelligently with others; for the first time people would actually sit and talk with her.

Both Graham and Tessa were making as much progress as their disabilities would allow. They could both propel their own wheelchairs and this gave them a measure of that longed-for independence. Having learned to speak properly, Tessa could now join a Girl Guide company and even go to camp.

Getting close

Each year the residents of Coombe Farm were taken on holiday, and in 1963 they went to Westcliffe on Sea, near Southend. It was here that Graham took notice of Tessa for the first time. For a while he watched her, sitting in the sun and busy with her knitting. His opportunity came when a needle slipped from her hand and dropped onto the promenade. Graham seized his chance, negotiated his chair alongside Tessa's and, with probably even more difficulty than Tessa herself would have had, retrieved the knitting needle and handed it triumphantly to its owner. For the rest of the holiday Graham enjoyed cruising alongside Tessa, retrieving lost items, and engaging her in conversation.

Back in Croydon there was little privacy for the couple in their new-found friendship. The best they could do was to wheel off into the large grounds of the home where they could be alone in order to talk together and, once the chairs had been parked close enough, even hold hands.

Unfortunately their relationship did not meet with enthusiastic approval from those in charge at the home. They may have been young adults in their mid-20s, with clear minds, an independent spirit, and a deep love for each other, but relationships like this didn't quite fit in with the authorities' expectations for severely physically handicapped people. When they helped each other, even in such a small matter of fixing a watchstrap, it was frowned on -they were getting too close!

Church

Tessa had just received bad news! A visit to the optician confirmed that her eyesight would deteriorate; stronger lenses would help for a while, but the 'outlook' was not encouraging. Another blow to her pent-up emotions. It was about this time that an Occupational Therapist offered to take her to church. Tessa grasped at the opportunity; it was at least an excuse to get away from the home for a while and she could meet other people.

So, each Sunday, Tessa went along to East Croydon Baptist Church. She invited Graham to join her. He had first heard the message of Christ at the age of 15 when he was in another home in Croydon. Slowly he realised that Christ loved him and cared enough to die for him. For the first time in his life, Graham started to read his Bible.

Sleepless night

Not long after regularly attending the Baptist Church, Tessa spent one very sleepless night. God had been challenging her to accept Christ, but it was a hard struggle for this independent spirit. She spent much of the night praying. At last, not knowing what to expect, she gave her allegiance to Jesus Christ. Tessa was just 24. Some changes were immediate. She realised that she had to live more contentedly and work at enjoying life; she found that she could now keep her tensions and frustrations under control, and her times of sadness became less frequent. Life at last had meaning and purpose.

Graham and Tessa hardly rushed their relationship and it was three years before Graham decided on his next move. In 1966 the home was unable to arrange for a holiday for the residents, so Graham went to stay with his aunt in Harrow for a short break. While he was there he bought an engagement ring: three diamonds and three red garnets. He guessed the size, and it was a perfect fit. His aunt was inquisitive about these trips to the jewellers, but Graham kept his counsel, and no one knew of his scheme until he returned to Coombe Farm. There, in the reception hall, he lost no time in proposing, and Tessa immediately said 'Yes.'

Tessa may have been decisive in her response to Graham's proposal, but it was another seven years before they were married! Gradually their relationship was accepted, and the way was prepared for them when Anne and Vic, two friends in the home who were more severely disabled than Tessa and Graham, were married. When Tessa eventually shared with her social worker that she and Graham planned to marry, she was met with a very supportive response. Everyone seemed to recognise that inevitably love will find a way.

This extract, edited by Brian Edwards, is from Horizons of Hope, published at £7.99 by Day One Publications.

An extract from the book on the wheelchair romance of Graham and Tessa Pole